Padres and Brad Hand avoid arbitration with three-year contract extension

I always keep my phone silenced, so it was a total coincidence that I saw the message when I did. The green notification light on my phone was flashing when I woke up, and I assumed it was just the usual bevy of retweets and likes I always see upon opening my eyes, because that’s just what happens when you’re this insightful and hilarious. Okay, that’s not true, and saying that I’m insightful and hilarious is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve ever said, but let me have this; when you’ve got nothing else, the lies you tell yourself are your only comfort. Anyway, in addition to a handful of pity-likes and no retweets, I had a DM, which I assumed was from one of the many people who find me irresistibly attractive (another lie to get me through the day), but it was from Roy, asking if I was going to write about the Brad Hand extension. Since I’d been asleep to that point, that was news to me, but I told him sure, probably in half an hour or so when I got some coffee and a couple cigarettes in me.

It ended up being over a whole hour instead of a half, but I finally got around to catching up on the details, and it looks like the Padres got quite a deal.

Those three years include his final two of arbitration eligibility and his first in which he could have become a free agent. At an average of just over six and a half million dollars per year he’s a steal even with a moderate dropoff in performance from last season, when he was the Padres’ lone All-Star representative. Barring a complete collapse, he’ll be either a very affordable closer or an even more valuable trade chip than he was before. And even if he does — dog forbid — completely deuce the bed, twenty million dollars over three years is chump change for a baseball team or a wealthy individual like myself. Oh, look, I’m lying to and about myself again; I think that’s my cue to see myself to the door.