When it’s done right, baseball is a majestic game, filled with moments that pierce through decades of hazy memories that age like a fine wine. When it’s done wrong, like the Padres did today, those moments age about as well as a binge drinking frat party. You don’t remember anything, but the vomit on the carpet, genitalia drawn on your face, and the ice pick hammering at your skull from the inside tell you that deep down, you’re really glad you have no memories of the night.
The good news for you, dear reader, is that professional TV crews are unlikely to document your terrible spiral into incompetence. The Padres do not share that fate. Kevin Quackenbush will always be on video giving up six runs in the sixth inning, and Brandon Maurer will never be able to escape the time he couldn’t even get one out in the eighth and got replaced by Erick Aybar four runs later. And for the record, if you’re lucky enough that you didn’t experience any of this disaster in the first place, Aybar had a better afternoon than every other Padre to take the mound.
The only things remotely positive for the Friars today were the doubles hit by Jose Pirela and Hunter Renfroe, but they amount to a couple of daisies in an acre of manure.