The Padres are the least villainous team in MLB

Marc Normandin of greater SB Nation (and Beyond The Box Score) fame recently wrote an article regarding the nascent rise of the Cubs as villains to most MLB fans thanks to their most recent success. While most of us found it endearing that the 108-year drought-ridden Cubs finally shook the collective goat off their backs and seized a ring much like we hope our Padres will in the future, many now have a reason to envy the Northsiders. Plenty of Chicagoians Chicagoers Chicagoites Chicagoans jumped on the blue/white/red bandwagon and plenty of others joined in reveling in the Cubs World Series win and declaring their superiority over any social media outlet you could imagine.

SB Nation

There resides our Padres on the meter-o-evil. Marc chalks this up to general indifference; our Friars don’t make much noise in the general baseball landscape for any casual fan to care about our existence. Some fans might hold misgivings against us for the purported actions of our general manager (who we think was somewhat culpable but not as much as the former CEO) but for all intents and purposes we Padres fans are regarded as the least evil and non-threatening of the baseball kingdom.

Connor Farrell of sister blog Purple Row wrote about how his Rockies lack a true rival according to a study conducted by Northern Kentucky University. His list of why every other team is a rival to the Rockies is well worth the read. A website called Know Rivalry developed by Western Carolina University and NKU is also worth a look; a schadenfreude score is (hilariously) included.

What if we were to apply the same exercise to our Padres? What is it about every other team in MLB that makes them villainous? Let us write the ways...

This is satire.

Atlanta Braves: Builds a brand-spanking new park (with public funds) and lets their roads rot. Also, they didn’t let us have our brick.

Arizona Diamondbacks: As if being from Phoenix weren’t telling enough, they’re literally snakes. Your home uniforms look like Dexter designed them.

Baltimore Orioles: So internally evil they don’t even utilize their best pitcher in a do-or-die game. Adam Jones is a native San Diegan and should really be a Padre.

Boston Red Sox: Your fanbase is what the Cubs’ fanbase will eventually look like. Break a curse, win a WS, immediately believe you’re entitled to more. Curt Schilling has really not done you any favors, either.

Chicago Cubs: That’s Cub doesn’t even make grammatical sense. Yeah, we get it, you won a World Series. You won the Rizzo trade. Give it a rest, already. Your bandwagon fanbase is becoming interminable.

Chicago White Sox: Didn’t let Adam LaRoche’s kid into the locker room, which smacks of villainy. Also housed uniform villain Chris Sale.

Cincinnati Reds: Baseball’s #1 villain was a Red. Mr. Redlegs can look nefarious at times.

Cleveland Indians: Chief Wahoo. Nuff said.

Colorado Rockies: Matt Holliday never touched home plate. Thanks for the cycles.

Detroit Tigers: The “Beer City” debate really put you guys on the map. Ian Kinsler wished a 0-162 season on his former team and Al Alburquerque kissed a baseball just after he fielded it in a playoff game; many called that move ultimate disrespect.

Houston Astros: Your fans suffered through some tank-riffic baseball and you have nothing to show for it (yet). Hard to hate the 2nd best team in Texas, but being from Texas is enough.

Kansas City Royals: They won a World Series with 31 year old Edinson Volquez and 36 year old Chris Young. Those guys are involved with some serious black magic.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Spends money like a villain in hopes of seizing victory. Fails miserably like a villain. Annoying fanbase filled with casual fans/bandwagoners. Chase Utley.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: First off, they’re not even from Los Angeles. Second, they’re letting the most talented player of a generation wither on a terrible team.

Miami Marlins: Jeffrey Loria may be on his way out, but the stink of the worst owner in baseball doesn’t just wash out.

Milwaukee Brewers: Bud Selig. On a Padres note, they just had to go with a navy/yellow look like the Padres had in 2016. Real original, guys. Ryan Braun is a villain if I’ve ever seen one.

Minnesota Twins: Great job with Joe Maurer and Justin Morneau. A loyal fanbase suffers.

New York Mets: They act like they’re not as bad as the cross-town empire, but they can be. Persistent whining is not endearing.

New York Yankees: Do I really need to explain this?

Oakland Athletics: Intentionally sinks their own team with payroll, acts as the villain to their own fans. Stadium smells of excrement at times. Took forever to take down the tarps.

Philadelphia Phillies: Won a WS and let themselves decay to the chagrin of their fanbase. Philadelphia has an ironic nickname.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Thanks to Johnny Depp, nobody in the world likes pirates anymore. Not that anyone liked Pittsburgh anyway.

San Francisco Giants: Nobody outside of San Fran liked the even-year b******t, nor do they like MadBum. A collective and audible sigh of relief was uttered from fans of every other baseball team when the Cubs eliminated you last year. Barry Bonds.

Seattle Mariners: Natural rivalry (can’t just take that away, MLB). Wasted the best years of Ichiro, Junior, Big Unit, et al and couldn’t even beat the biggest villains in baseball when it mattered.

St. Louis Cardinals: The Best Fans in Baseball need to go back to their El Caminos.

Tampa Bay Rays: Plays in a stadium that (vaguely) resembles the Legion of Doom. Used to be called the DEVIL Rays.

Texas Rangers: Plenty of people dislike Rougned Odor.

Toronto Blue Jays: Plenty of people dislike Jose Bautista.

Washington Nationals: You used to be the Expos, whom everyone loved. People really like to hate Bryce Harper.

Of course, it wouldn’t be fair without poking a little fun at ourselves:

San Diego Padres: Stole from the Red Sox and Marlins. Have the best ballpark in MLB and we’ll remind you of it (it’s all we have going for us at the moment). Our GM was suspended for breaking an (unwritten) rule on medical records.

Do you have more reasons why any team is more villainous than we are? Let’s hear them.