This rumor came out yesterday but since Jered Weaver threw it, it's just getting here today. It seems the Padres have been eyeballing Weaver for a spot in their Statue of Liberty rotation - you know, "Give me your tired, your poor... the wretched refuse of your teeming shore" and so on - and my thoughts on the matter are approximately the same as my thoughts on them signing Jhoulys Chacin: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. So instead of talking about or even looking at Jered Weaver's statistics, I'm just going to tell you a story.
Two guys walk into a bar and grill. After promptly bringing the drinks they requested, the server takes their meal orders. Fifteen minutes later she brings the first guy his plate, saying nothing to the second guy. The second guy says to the first guy, "You can go ahead and start eating; I don't mind."
"Oh, no, I can wait," says the first guy. "I'm sure yours will be here in just a minute."
Five minutes pass, and the second guy's meal still isn't out. "Want some of my fries while we wait?" asks the first guy.
Ten minutes after that, with the first guy's fries picked away and his steak cold, the second guy's meal was still nowhere to be seen. "Okay, this is getting ridiculous," says the first guy. "You really should say something."
The second guy scans the room, looking for their server. After a minute he's able to make eye contact coupled with a slight nod to get her attention, and she makes her way their direction.
"I'm sorry to bother you; I don't usually complain, but we ordered--" The second guy glances at his watch before completing his sentence. "--over half an hour ago, and his food got here 15 minutes ago, but mine still isn't out."
The server flips back three pages in her notepad, reviews her shorthand, then says "Oh, okay, that explains it."
"What explains it?" asks the second guy.
"Sir, you ordered the Jered Weaver fastball. That takes an hour to get to the plate."