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How old do the Padres look?

I'm playing around with Microsoft's How Old Do I Look? website.  It was a wake up call that I need to start sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber with cucumber slices over my eyes like Matt Kemp, Carlos Quentin and Ryan Klesko.  After taking more selfies than Kim K.  I found that I was anywhere from 37 to 54.  When I was through coming to the realization that I'm old, I figured I'd plug in some Padres player's mugshots and see if a small sampling would tell me if the team as a whole had retained their boyish good looks or if they're showing their mileage like me.

Dale Thayer

Dale Thayer is actually 34 years old.  That beard isn't doing him any favors.  He looks like a Civil War veteran so I think got off easy with the age of 45.

Jedd Gyorko

Gyorko is 26 but looks 37 according to Bill Gates.  He has wise features like an owl, I've always said that.  Now he's getting a second opinion from Microsoft.

Matt Kemp

Matt Kemp is 30 years old, has arthritic hips and the face of a 33 year old.  Things could be worse.  Imagine how old he'd look without the hyperbaric chamber.  I shudder to think.  Still, I'd trade faces with that dude any day.

Mark Kotsay

Microsoft is totally flirting with Kotsay.  They completely ignored his grizzled graying beard and told him he looks 9 years younger than he is, which is totally not true.  They need to fix this bug ASAP.

Wil Myers

Wil Myers looks like one of the younger guys on the team to my eyes, but I haven't downloaded the latest Microsoft patches to my brain in quite some time.  They think he looks 33 instead of 24.  I think they're crazy.

Derek Norris

Norris is a guy that I thought would be hurt by the beard, and maybe he was because I bet if he shaves that beard those kind gentle eyes and Kylie Jenner lips would make him look about 15.  He's really 26 so the software was closest with him.

Overall it's telling just about everybody that they're older than they are except Kotsay.  If I were Microsoft I'd put some anti-aging product placements on their page and make millions.