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How the Alex Torres hat came to be, a fiction

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A satire as it were

Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

The Scene: The MLB Office of Player Safety

MANLY MLB EXEC: OK. So some p_ssy pitcher actually wants to wear the protective gear on the mound.

PLAYERS UNION REP: Wow. That's really unfair.

MANLY MLB EXEC: So I like the design of that one hat. The one that would make him look completely stupid and a third Super Mario Brother. I hear the Luigi Death Stare is a thing, so we could make him look like Luigi for the really little kids who don't know how men are supposed to behave and any grownup in their right mind would properly ridicule the guy for being the wet-behind-the-ears coward that he is.

R&D: You know, we could make a protective helmet that would dampen 80% of a batted ball and not have it look completely ridiculous.

MANLY MLB EXEC: *snicker* But won't that fall off, Mr. Four Eyes? It wouldn't be *guffaw* safer right? Less padding means less safe, right? I mean, they're so concerned with safety. *cackle*

R&D: Ummm... My name isn't "Mr. Four Eyes", but no, the design guys tell me that other sports have figured out how to keep head gear on heads for at least one hundred years. And I'm sure if you had approved the budget, we could've come up with something better.

DESIGNER: And there really are ways to streamline that a bit more to make it not look like that. Is there any reason it has to look like a caricature of a baseball cap? I mean, we didn't have to stuff the protective gear inside a size 14 hat. Why don't we just allow him to wear the helmet without the hat? It could be branded with a visor and everything. Or even a different version of a batting helmet. Those look really reasonable.

MANLY MLB EXEC: BASEBALL PLAYERS WEAR HATS. IF THEY WANT TO CHICKENSH_T OUT AND WEAR A HELMET, THEY CAN GO DO SOME OTHER LESS MANLY SPORT.

R&D: Like football?

DESIGNER: Hockey?

PLAYERS UNION REP: Basically, any extreme action sport? Basically, your own sport when any batter steps into a box?

MANLY MLB EXEC: MAKE HIM LOOK STUPID. MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. BASEBAAAAAAAALLLLLLL...