Following the groundbreaking first pitch thrown by a living, breathing, totally for real baby T-Rex the other day; the clean pitch from the Tyrannosaur immediately demanded the answer to the question:
How would a baseball team made entirely of dinosaurs look?
For this roster, we're looking at how each dinosaur would represent their position, and how effective they would be. For example: as much as we love the great and mighty Tyrannosaurus-Rex, it's neither the biggest dinosaur of its kind, and isn't going to do much with those little baby arms.
Using the baby T-Rex's video as super duper conclusive scientific evidence, we can determine just how effective dinosaurs would be at baseball based on their physiology. For example: maybe a pitcher would prefer not to flop their necks and release the ball with their teeth in order to be efficient on the mound? We need to make sure at least some of these dinosaurs have arms, or it's going to cause serious problems.
P - Therizinosaurus
So for the pitching position, most importantly, you're only going to need to consider one thing really. Can they grip the baseball, and are their arms long enough to deliver a pitch further than that weak baby T-Rex throw? The Therizinosaurus has that going on. With freaky long bird-like arms, and huge claws to get pitch-grips, there's no doubt the Therizinosaurus would be at least a three-tool pitcher of the Cretaceous era.
C - Pentaceratops
As a catcher you need to be durable. You need to be built enough to handle some hard plays at the plate, as well as the wear-and-tear that the position delivers to your body every day. The Pentaceratops is a more serious version of the Triceritops. At least twice as serious. With a huge helmet-like skull and horns to gore anybody who tries to make a play-at-the-plate go their way, they're your best bet in the spot.
1B - Stegosaurus
Over at first base I had to consider a dino that was going to be able to at least stand there and field the tiny baseballs that are flung at them. The Stegosaurus has giant diamond-shaped spikes all along its back that you could fit huge gloves on. That gives everybody plenty of huge targets. It's also a bigger chance of getting an out; obviously since it's required in dinosaur-league baseball that a glove is used to record an out at first base.
2B - Iguanodon
At second base you need your standard, average-built dinosaur. Somebody that isn't going to slug around; but understandingly isn't really going to win any races. A strong player who can turn two when you need it. The Iguanodon can be a contact-hitter as well, with arms long enough to have a decent chance at the plate with that bat, unlike most dinosaurs.
SS - Utahraptor
You can't not put a raptor in the shortstop position. And despite its not-very-intimidating name, the Utahraptor is a slick little birdy raptor that you can trust to cover the range a SS needs to. Its shorter arms might be an issue at making any serious deep infield throws, but where it lacks on the field it will make up in the lineup. Put this little badass in your leadoff spot and you're guaranteed a baserunner every time he's up.
3B - Camarasaurus
This is your power, baby. The mountainous Camarasaurus. This fella don't need no bat. He'll use his tail to smash anything, regardless of whatever spin or placement you try to tack on your pitch. Your Camarasaurus isn't going to let anything pass him in the hot corner either. He can cover the distance needed with its body alone, making plays with a flop and flip of its tail.
LF - Tupandactylus / CF - Pterodactyl / RF - Pteronodon
Things change in the outfield. A raptor might cover a lot of ground, but there's no way he's laying out for a deep gap-cutting line drive. This is where you bring in your Pterosaurs. Nothing is getting by a field full of Pterosaurs. Giancarlo Stanton up to bat? Who cares, give him something to crush as hard as he can. There's no amount of raw power that's hitting it further than a Pterodactyl, Tupcandactylus, or Pteronodon is going to be able to reach when you can fly.
PH - Argentinosaurus
Need a bat off the bench? Look nowhere other than the Argentinosaurus. Why? Because it was the biggest goddamn dinosaur to ever walk the flippin' planet. I don't care if an Allosaurus has crazier teeth or if a T-Rex looks cool. The Argentinosaurus is massive, and when you're looking for that 3-run HR in the bottom of the 8th to get your team back in the game; the Argentinosaurus delivers.
RP - Nothronychus, Beipiaosaurus
Two more dino's with freaky long arms that would be able to hurl a baseball. Keep them for relief or closing jobs, because they're not going to be able to deceive batters without the type of grip that a Therizinosaurus is going to get you. They're better suited for those late-inning high-pressure situations. Trust me.
UTIL - Spinosaurus, Dilophosaurus
A Spinosaurus could fill in a lot of roles with that crazy spine on his back. Put him at first and he'll deflect and catch balls with it, put him at second and he'll be able to slap a ball to turn a double play, or maybe you need him at third to absorb a strong pull-hitter's best stuff. And the Dilophosaurus? If we're going by the scientifically accurate Jurassic Park; the thing spits acid. You don't need me to tell you how useful that could be when somebody's trying to steal second.
|1 Utahraptor - A speedy leadoff, guaranteed to get on base.|
|2 Iguanadon - Bulky gritty contact-hitter to advance your leadoff dinosaur.|
|3 Stegosaurus - Hits hard and will rack up more RBI's than spikes on its back.|
|4 Camarasaurus - The beast. Your real power-hitter. Just look at that tail!|
|5 Pteryodactly - Nothing too impressive with a poor swing like that.|
|6 Tupandactylus - I mean, the things have wings. What are you supposed to do?|
|7 Pteranodon - I'm being serious. How is it even supposed to hold a bat?|
|8 Pentaceratops - A beastly hitter who you know is going to try their hardest.|
|9 Therizinosaur - Pitchers always go in the nine spot, especially with claws like that.|
|PH Argentinosaurus - What'r you going to do? Throw around it? It takes up half of the infield.|
MANAGER - Jack McKeon
Sure, it might be a while before we see any dinosaurs seriously compete in the MLB. But I heard baseball is still a very popular sport among the dinosaur community. So use this as a guide the next time you see any of them pop up in free agency. You'll be pretty upset if you miss the opportunity to add one to your fantasy team because of your childish arrogance.
That's my team. What would yours look like?