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Tim Stauffer signs with Twins, "Halfway Across the Country"

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Expressing my emotions the best way I know how: through Weezer parodies.

Mike McGinnis/Getty Images

When I heard about Tim Stauffer signing with the Twins, I was distraught. I cried. I tweeted my sadness and frustration. I cried some more. I watched some old Stauffer videos. And I cried.

Then I wrote some Weezer parodies because of course I did.

"Halfway Across the Country"
(sung to the tune of Weezer's "Across the Sea")

You were the longest-tenured Padre to play in the small market of SD
You started Opening Day over three years ago
Now you're wanting to go get more money, in Twin Cities
Face the Red Sox on your birthday

Why did you have to sign with the Twins?
Good for you, I hope they get you some wins
I could never hate you, I think it would be wrong
I've got your baseball, you've got my song

They make your favorite beer, Sculpin, where I'm from - so hoppy, so refined
So I sit and I sip a pint or two and fall to little pieces every time
I wonder if you'll think their fans are cool
I wonder what number they'll give you
I wonder how I'll get through this and curse the Twins for taking you from me

Why did you have to sign with the Twins?
Good for you, I hope they get you some wins
I could never hate you, I think it would be wrong
I've got your autograph, you've got my song

That time you shaved your beard we all got really bummed
You looked much older and badass with your thick scruff
But we loved you, clean-shaven or not (shaven or not)
You'll always be in our hearts
You're in our hearts

WGdamn, this business is really lame
You gotta go to Target Field to pitch next year
So I'll send you my love from San Diego
And know you will live on in my dreams despite your new team
Oh, I'll still cheer you on at Target Field

Why did you have to sign with the Twins?
Good for you, I hope they get you some wins
I could never hate you, I think it would be wrong
I've got your baseball, you've got my song

"Eulogy for a Stauffbeard"
(sung to the tune of Weezer's "Eulogy for a Rock Band")

Goodbye, Stauffer
You had a good run
Eleven years of pitching for SD
But now your tenure's ending

Adios, Stauffer whom we loved the most
This is a toast, to what you did,
With BP Brewing's Sculpin
What could mean more?
When time marches on
Players come and go
But we'll remember all the innings you pitched long ago

Fans were cheering
Players were high-fiving you
You moved the skipper to cursing, inspiring
You to make some f_____g pitches

Adios, Stauffer whom we loved the most
This is a toast, to what you did,
With BP Brewing's Sculpin
What could mean more?
When time marches on
Players come and go
But we'll remember all the innings you pitched long ago

Ooooh, we'll never forget the games you saved
Ooooh, never change
Ooooh, it's time you and Padres parted ways
Ooooh, never change
Goodbye...

Adios, Stauffer whom we loved the most
This is a toast, to what you did,
With BP Brewing's Sculpin
What could mean more?
When time marches on
Players come and go
But we'll remember all the innings you pitched long ago