clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Padres are about to be sold.. For real for real this time... Srsly

New, 10 comments

So if you believe the "news", then the Padres are in an "agreement" (which only means that two people have said "yes" at the same time) to be "bought" by Peter O'Malley, Ron Fowler and Phil Mickelson (but in all probability by a conglomerate of investors both foreign and domestic to be represented by the three men in an effort to make it seem like a "baseball" person, a successful businessman, and a "local" celebrity will be running the club, when in actuality all said figureheads just enjoy fame and, just as likely as not, could use said fame and fortune to attract the eyes of young women who will woo them away from their wives).

The purchase price of $800 million has supposedly been agreed upon and will be put to a vote at an owner's meeting today August 16th (read: "meeting of rich white men and one Mexican-American representing invisible groups that wield billions of dollars). The Padres need 75% of the vote to ensure that John Moores successfully capitalizes on the downfall of Jeff Moorad and Moorad's success at garnering an extra $400 million over the last 3 years in the value of the club, at the expense of his own reputation and that of Time Warner Cable customers who are still unable to watch Padres games on television.

Also, in unrelated news, a group of pigs was seen flying over Santee among a flock of formerly domesticated Amazon parrots and religious leaders across the world have all met to agree that their respective versions of the afterlife that is assigned to evil people and non-believers has recently frozen over.