Two days of baseball... Two sets of Game Recaps... No way this is getting kept up...
Chicago White Sox 2, Texas Rangers 3
If Yu Darvish doesn't make an appearance then my interest in this game falls to zero. If Yu Darvish makes a start then I pour myself a glass of wine and wear something silky. Josh Hamilton went 2-3 in this game. He once abused drugs. Drugs aren't cool, but getting addicted to drugs, battling back, finding religion and getting clean is cool. People tell me their stories like that all the time. Dude behind me in line at McDonald's: "Hey man, I used to have a real problem with drugs too and now look at me. Middle-manager at a local aeronautics company" And I'm like, "too?"
Minnesota Twins 2, Baltimore Orioles 4
Former Padres broadcaster and former Orioles pitcher, Rick Sutcliffe threw out the first pitch to his old catcher, HoFer Chris Hoiles. Nick Markakis for the Orioles did all the damage here representing the orange. Can you believe that it's been 20 years since they opened Camden Yards? If I went back 20 years and showed 16 year old Dex the advances in telephone technology and then also showed him a modern toilet, I bet he'd be super disappointed. Like if they can do what they do with telephones, 16 year old Dex would expect all kinds of wonderful things. Nothing to do with pubes though. That wouldn't be a concern for any Dex until 32 year old Dex in 2009.
Seattle Mariners 7, Oakland A's 3
A's rookie sensation, Yoenis Cespedes, hit a ridiculous home run in this game. It was so ridiculous that as soon as the ball left the bat, he pulled a mirror out of his back pocket, whistled at his reflection appreciatively, and then made an obscene gesture with his batting helmet. He later apologized.
Colorado Rockies 5, Houston Astros 3
Did you think the Padres made lots of errors? The Astros made 4 in this game. Everybody knows the Astros suck though. With the Padres, people just suspect it very strongly.
San Francisco Giants 4, Arizona Diamondbacks 5
Tim Lincecum takes the loss here, which is nice, but Ian Kennedy takes the win, which is irritating. It's weird seeing Kevin Towers all in red present trophies to Diamondbacks players. Makes me feel a little bit Clayton Kershaw. Buster Posey came back after his horrific injury last season and got himself a single. I heard the Diamondbacks fans booed Posey, which is awesome. "YOU SHOULD'VE STAYED HURT YOU YOUNG TALENTED ASSHOLE".
Kansas City Royals 0, Los Los Angeles Angeles de Anaheim 5
Albert Pujols couldn't even get a hit because he doesn't care anymore now that he's a billionaire. Do they still have El Hombre billboards up around town? They should switch those to La Yegua Preñada until he gets a hit and starts earning that money.