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And finally... finally... We're out of the NL West.
We give NL West! Uncle! You own us! We get it! Stop pooping on us now!
The NL East though. That's a division that's ripe for abuse. Nobody likes the NL East. Even people in New York feel embarrassment that the Mets exist. People in Miami are openly protesting that the Marlins exist. People in Washington are too busy with politicking and cocaine (do they still do a lot of cocaine in D.C.?) And people in Philadelphia are crazy.
So we take the crazies on first.
Vance Worley is known as the guy with the glasses and is essentially a low 90's fastball with a slider to go along with it and some junk. He's nowhere near as junky as, say, Jamie Moyer, but he wears funky glasses so he's funky junky, which is super intimidating.
Joe Wieland has been a big leaguer for like a week now and has settled into the lifestyle. Allegedly, he ate like 3 steaks last night because he could and is now proteined up for tonight's game against the Funky Junky Vance Worley. Being in the big city of San Diego has unleashed a little bit of the wild animal in Joe, though he's still a young person. He's "punky". Not like "Brewster", but like a baby elephant. Since his mascot is a monk, I call him Punky Monkey.
Also, it rhymes nicely with Funky Junky.
Philly is currently 5-7, good for last in the NL East, so we'll call it even for tonight.
GO GET 'EM, LADIES!!!
GO PADRES!