And that's what you get, Padres Fan, for having a second favorite team

Oh booooo hooooo...

You know when my season ended? That's right. Game 162. The last game of the season. A glorious comeback against the Brewers with Chase Headley sealing the deal on the RBI crown and Everth Cabrera sealing the deal on the stolen base crown and everything else in the baseball universe turning off while I dug out my Aztecs gear and went out to decide what Chargers jersey I was going to buy.

YOU were supposed to finish the dishes, but you didn't do that.

What did you do? That's right, you went off and tried to capture a few cheap thrills by hanging out in sleazy places, looking at sexy things instead of staying right here and finishing that deck that you promised to build me in the backyard.

I know what you're thinking, "But after it was all done, you just rolled over and fell asleep! I needed more! I wasn't done with that season! I just wanted to go and hang out with some new friends!"

I know exactly who you decided to galavant off with with your little secret rendezvous. You really think there's logic in rooting for the Reds? What, just because you kinda like Mat Latos and his bad boy attitude? You know what bad boys get you? Not a growing 401k to retire off of. Not a reliable mother to your three children!

"Oh but the Reds played the Giants and we all hate the Giants."

That may be so, you little hussy, but did you have to "hate" them so much and so long that you ended up in the arms of another team? I can smell Ohio on your crotch from across the room.

"Oh, but what about the Nationals? They're like us! And we all hate the Cardinals, right!?"

I hate venereal disease and you know who else hates venereal diseases? That's right, WHORES. WHORES LIKE THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS AND JAYSON WERTH. Just because we both hate the same thing doesn't mean we go off and catch the clap. You're going to have to go get a blood test before you come even 10 feet from any toilet seat that you expect to share with me.

"But Baltimore is like San Diego East! They were playing the Yankees! They never win anything! And what about the Athletics!? They have a low payroll and smart people running the team! It had to be OK to root for them!?"

Oh so now you have a little jungle fever mixed in with a nerd crush on some nerd coochie, eh? You think you just because nobody else roots for the Orioles or the Athletics that it was OK? I know how life works you hear me? It's always... always... the little nerdy little unpopular ones that end up in "life situations" that get them pulled out of third period English. And you fell right for it!

So, get back over here and quit with this little horny fit that overcame you. Drink a glass of soy milk, quit watching so much HBO and YOU KEEP THAT THING IN YOUR PANTS UNTIL PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT.