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The new San Diego Padres hitting coach: Phil Plantier

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A new season, a new Padres hitting coach. Teaching somebody how to hit at Petco Park is a lot like teaching a man how to fish in the desert. You give a man the tools, teach the technique, but in the end, you need to work a miracle because the only fish in the desert is at the sushi bar in a Las Vegas hotel.

Phil Plantier, who has been managing the Lake Elsinore Storm for the last season, is going to replace Randy Ready and try his hand at taming the BA desert known as Petco Park. Dave Magadan, Merv Rettenmund, Jim Lefebvre, Wally Joyner, Randy Ready and now Phil Plantier.

When asked for comment, the Padres Team Batting Average snorted before grabbing at its crotch. The Padres Team Slugging Percentage openly mocked Phil Plantier, calling the former Major Leaguer "wet" and "worthy of poop".

How will Phil Plantier work out as hitting coach? Probably not very well, to be honest. Everything is working against him. There really isn't a whole lot he will be able to do to change the Padres' hitting fortune unless he happens to know a really good sub-contactor willing to move all of the outfield fences in 14 feet while Moorad isn't looking.