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Monday AtM: Religion Always Exposes False Prophets Edition

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JBox is in Chicago so I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time. I'm going to load my gun. I'm going to fire some motherf_cking bullets. Every time I think I'm out... they... pull me... back... IN. Italics are mine and the bullets are invisible. Everything is after the jump.

Padres confident about signing Whitson | padres.com: News
"As for Whitson, he was in San Diego two weeks ago for a customary visit the Padres have with their top picks. He also took a physical." I hope the hernia check was extra gentle and persuasive, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I'm hoping somebody performed sexual favors on Karsten Whitson to make him just sign the f_cking paper already.

The Official Blog of Matt Antonelli: WE'RE THEREEEEEEE
"I broke a few world records along the way, at least personal records. I ate McDonalds six times during the trip. " Matt Antonelli's been eating a lot of McDonald's. Tec must like a little bit of marshmallow with his peaches and cream. I don't know wtf I'm talking about.

Peterson: Another tough outing for San Francisco Giants' Tim Lincecum - San Jose Mercury News
"But any hopes and dreams they have for the season's final 43 games are dependent upon Lincecum pitching like a two-time Cy Young Award winner, as opposed to the guy who can't seem to figure out where the magic has gone." MAGIC!? I thought that the Giants won on BABIPBIB. They're using magic? Those f_ckers.

San Diego Padres at Chicago Cubs - August 16, 2010 | MLB.com Preview
"Combined with his 10 home runs, Venable becomes just the 12th player in franchise history to record at least 20 steals and 10 home runs in a season." Also, Will Venable is my favorite.

Soaring Padres KO Lincecum, continue mastery over Giants - SignOnSanDiego.com
"Three and a half is the number by which the Padres again lead the Giants, whose fans clearly bought into Sanchez’s rallying cry that the Padres would be swept over the weekend and be bounced out of division leadership for good." This is what you get for believing in a false soothsayer.

Denny's
"Just come into Denny's and say "Padres Scored" to get your free stack of pancakes!" Padres scored 6 yesterday, so we can get free pancakes! I'm predicting there will have to be some sweeping after I'm done gobbling down my delicious pancakes.

PADRES: Padres rout Lincecum, take series from second-place Giants
"Giants starters are winless in their last 12 games, going 0-7 with a 5.88 ERA." ...which makes the sweep prediction that much bolder/misinformed/hilarious.