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Anti-Retro Night at Petco Park

Dear Mentor,

Here is an idea I've been kicking around for a theme night at Petco Park. I hope you will consider it for a game in the near future (pardon the pun, which I'm not even sure is a proper pun).


Think on this:

What are people really really into? The answer is retro stuff. They love everything old being used as new, because if there's one thing people love, it's proving that stuff that others thought wasn't cool anymore actually still is cool. Like the color brown. And the word "rad".

Maybe they like doing this because they missed the boat on whatever the actual hip new thing is. Maybe they like saving money and want to make sure they can still wear flannel plaids. Whatever. It's just a basic fact of life like bees making honey or the love of a good woman warming the bitterest winter night.

Now, think on this. What do people really want more than proving that something they still are into is still cool?

Answer: They want to discover the cool new thing!

Like, for example, I only recently discovered that it's no longer cool to say "totally". Instead, people are saying "totes" or "tote" as in, "that's a totes cool slang word you got there". I made fun of my acquaintance for using this new slang, but inside, I burned with jealousy that they had discovered it before me.

What if, for a day at the ballpark, everybody was participating in stuff that hasn't been discovered to be cool yet?

The Idea

That brings us to my idea: The opposite of Retro Night... Anti-Retro Night! (or Futuristical Night)

Instead of wearing uniforms that people wore once upon a time, all of the ballplayers dress in uniforms that haven't been invented. Put them in futuristic clothing like Rayon or Neoprene. Maybe instead of velcro and zippers, the clothes are held together with plastic Ziploc zips. Make the uniforms glow or light up in some way. The uniform numbers would be presented in binary.

The stadium announcer would be pre-programmed with a crazy robot voice.

Instead of old timey time retro music, the music will be extra futuristic and nonsensical. Maybe static. Something the kids will complain is too loud and makes no sense because it's what their kids will be into.

The Madres table would be operated by 9 year old girls.

You could sell future beer that's been dyed blue and charge 2038 prices for it. I'm thinking $80 for a 14oz beer. Have the money go to (obviously) Padres Foundation.

On the screens, instead of "Make some noise" or "Clap your hands", the boards would all say, "Audiolize your metacarpus and motion appendages!" or "Phonicitalize your eating receptacles!"

The Padres players photographs would all be Photoshopped to make the guys look really really old. Kyle Blanks would have a really long gray beard. Matt Stairs would show a picture of a mummy. David Eckstein would be part robot cyborg.

That's all I got. I hope that this pleases you, Mentor. Let me know if you need help setting this up.

Your protégé,