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Cardinals kill the Padres, 7-0

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One day after shutting them out, the Padres felt the wrath of the St. Louis Cardinals as they were figuratively killed by the team clad in red like the color of blood. In my imagination, there were few survivors.

"It was an absolute murder," claimed San Diego resident Dale Torres of Encinitas. "It was murder in the most emblematic sense of the word."

"Speculatively, none of us should have survived," said second baseman David Eckstein, who was literally unhurt, but felt as though he had been beaten repeatedly with heavy pieces of wood. Eckstein's recent extension will keep him with the Padres, proverbially, till the end of time. 

Eckstiein continued, "I looked across the field and the allegorical bloodbath was gruesome. I hope to never see anything like that in my mind's eye again."

Eckstein was 1 for 4 including a game winning grand slam that he dreamed about that night.