Oh Memorial Day! That wonderful day that signals summer to most everyone in the U.S. and tourist season to San Diegans. Chicagoer, Zonies, Bostoners, New Yorkians, and San Franciscoers all coming down south to chill and root for their teams.
Let's pretend like we know Jake Peavy would like to pitch for the Cubs. Let's pretend that the Cubs want Jake Peavy. Knowing these facts, what will happen when Jake Peavy pitches against the Cubs?
To me, it's like when you're dating a girl and you play air hockey against her. Do you try to beat her to a pulp to prove that she's deserving of such an alpha male with a big penis? Do you let her win to make her feel good around you? Do you just play straight up and then ease up to make it close at the very end win or lose?
The whole time Peavy competes against them, he'll be thinking through this conundrum. What exactly will I have to do to get in her pants? When was the last time I groomed downstairs? Why am I so thirsty for Jagermeister?
Knowing Peavy, I think we'll see the first one about alpha male filling the jock. I also think Peavy will bat for the cycle to justify all that nonsense about wanting to bat so badly. He's that kind of person and he may or may not have made a deal with the devil.
If you're Carlos Zambrano and you were the guy with the biggest member in the rotation, do you maybe throw a couple at Peavy's chin just to stave off the eventual dog fight? Or do you do something more psychological like make kissy faces at him to suggest something about his manhood?
Between innings, will Peavy accidentally walk to and from the Cubs dugout just to send a message to the front office?
Will Hoffman show up and moon everybody?
So many intriguing stories tonight. I wait with baited breath, or maybe I go to Best Buy and pick up Punch Out for the Wii and see how everything turns out later.
@ San Diego Padres
Friday, May 22, 2009, 7:05 PM PDT
Carlos Zambrano vs Jake Peavy
Partly cloudy. Game time temperature around 65.
Complete Coverage >