Tim Sullivan wrote a piece on seven steps to make the Padres better. To that, I say, "PSHAW". How hard can it to make this team better? At this point, if we do stuff by accident we can get better.
The real challenge is how to make this team worse. I know what you're thinking. Making this team worse would require higher order physics! It's IMPOSSIBLE!
To the doubters, I say that nothing's impossible unless you believe it's so. Or not so. Whatever.
1. Give up more runs per game (and don't score as much)
The Padres already score an NL low 3.4 runs per game. We need to give up even more runs. Our pythagorean record (12-23) suggests that we're actually a little bit lucky. One way to mitigate that luck is to give up more runs, while also scoring even less than the league low.
How do we do that?
2. Bench Adrian Gonzalez (or remind the other teams that he exists)
Adrian Gonzalez is a blind spot for opposing teams. Lulled to sleep by the sleepy quiet bats, Adrian has thus far been able to account for 21% of the runs scored on the team (measured by RBI). At home games, with runners on, we need to distract Adrian. Prey on his caring nature by yelling things during his at bats like, "Edgar is sinning!" or "Mexico needs you to deliver foodstuffs to the homeless children!"
3. Play more guys out of position
We have a good start by playing corner infielders in the outfield. We need to do more though. Let's get back to Bruce Bochy's days of playing catchers in the outfield and at third base and first basemen in left field and who knows what ever else. We'll call it a learning experience.
4. Load the bullpen with more transients
What's the Major League minimum contract? We need some replacement level players in the bullpen and rotation and just pay the minimum to them. Or let me and jbox and our Twitter followers pitch. I'm looking at Baseball Prospectus and there's literally one pitcher who increases our odds to win in comparison to replacement level. We need to get rid of that guy and find more Duaner Sanchezes.
5. More Hotdagos and Doguitos
They've been called "brilliant" and "seriously interesting". One thing that I know they also are is "distracting". The delicious smells of Hotdagos and Doguitos in the bullpen would distract this already distracted team well below the Nationals and put us in line for the number one pick in next year's draft.
STAY IN SCHOOL STRASBURG!!!