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101 Things Every Padres Fan Should Do Before They Die



  1. Attend a game at Petco Park
  2. Attend a Padres game at a stadium besides Petco Park
  3. Catch a foul ball
  4. Catch a home run ball
  5. Watch a game from a reserved seat at the Western Metal Supply 
  6. Watch a seat from the Toyota Terrace
  7. Shout down from the Toyota Terrace at people in the seats below you, bragging about how great the food is
  8. Get a Padres player to autograph some piece of memorabilia
  9. Make a crazy face at Dennis Morgigno
  10. Visit the Baseball Hall of Fame to see immortalized versions of Tony Gwynn and Dave Winfield
  11. Secretly write the words "Steroid Era" underneath Tony Gwynn's plaque
  12. Throw a peanut at a Dodger Fan
  13. Start a Padres blog
  14. Collect every single Tony Gwynn baseball card ever printed
  15. Wear a Gaslamp Ball t-shirt to a game and then nod knowingly when you see other fans wearing their Gaslamp Ball t-shirts
  16. Write a FanPost on Gaslamp Ball that gets front paged
  17. Make a rubbing of a personalized brick at the brick promenade or the Tony Gwynn statue
  18. Make a rubbing of the entire Tony Gwynn statue
  19. Slide an ATM card through one of the now defunct Compadres Club machines while shouting angrily, "ALL I WANT IS SOME FAST CASH!!!"
  20. When somebody tries to interrupt you while you're standing at the Compadres Club machine, shout, "WAIT YOUR TURN, DODGER FAN"
  21. Eat one of every item from Randy Jones BBQ in one sitting
  22. Go number two in a Petco Park bathroom
  23. Read both volumes of the Fireside Book of Baseball beside an actual fire.
  24. Read the entire Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract beside an actual abstract painting
  25. Read Bang the Drum Slowly while banging a drum slowly
  26. Read Juiced while drinking juice
  27. Stand in front of Sandy Alderson's house naked while making rude gestures with a copy of Moneyball, shouting "THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT ON BASE PERCENTAGE!!!"
  28. Do steroids with Wally Joyner
  29. Attend a church service with Adrian Gonzalez
  30. Go fishing with Jake Peavy
  31. Accidentally get a butt full of buckshot from Ryan Klesko's shotgun while hunting deer
  32. Hit on a female Pad Squadder using the line, "You're the one that won Miss California, right?"
  33. Hit on a male Pad Squadder using the line, "You mean you're not a player? Oh I get it. You're a player"
  34. Send handwritten letters to Emmanuel Lewis in red ink with Ryan Klesko's forged signature in an attempt to weird out the friendship
  35. Become Facebook friends with Omar Vizquel
  36. Build a working Khalil Greene robot
  37. Buy a used cup from the Padres Garage Sale and wear it without washing it
  38. Forgive Steve Garvey for walking out on your mom and leaving you to fend for yourself without a father figure
  39. Try to get discount fumigation service by calling Corky's Pet Control and pretending you're Akinori Otsuka
  40. Get into a fight with Matt Bush
  41. Climb Chris Young like a tree and swing from his ears
  42. Try to score weed off of a member of the grounds crew using the line, "I heard you majored in grass in college. That sounds like you smoke the marijuana."
  43. Write your name in the snow during Padres Snow Day
  44. Bury yourself in the sand at the Petco Beach and see if you can go undiscovered after the game is done and everyone has left the park
  45. Haggle for a better price on faux vintage Padres gear at the Padres store in Petco Park by saying, "Look how trashed it is. It looks like somebody's already washed it a bunch of times."
  46. High five Bob Scanlan and as he past you feeling appreciated, slap his butt, bite your bottom lip, grunt sexually and say "There's my girl"
  47. Give John Weisbarth a hug, but when he relaxes his grip to disengage the hug, tighten your grip and stay in the hug for another seven seconds
  48. Buy the most expensive beer you can find in the park and then feel a little dumb for wasting your money while ruining your liver
  49. Talk a staff member into trading/giving/selling you a Major League Memory Maker pin for your pin collection
  50. Heckle a member of the opposing team by rhyming their names with different euphemisms for feces, penises and vaginas
  51. Buy a house once owned by Randy Wolf
  52. Buy a tanning bed once owned by Brian Giles
  53. Interview Paul DePodesta and convince him to buy you a fish taco
  54. Talk to Kevin Towers, mention guys wanting to pull the fences in and count the number of times he uses the F-word
  55. Wait for a pitcher to throw a fastball that gets clocked at faster than 93 mph, then turn in your seat to the people behind you and shake your hand as if you touched something hot while saying, "yowza!"
  56. Write a ridiculously long list about the Padres and look at it wondering how your sense of humor could be so amazingly inconsistent
  57. Take the labels off of a bunch of tic tac containers and walk around Spring Training yelling, "Not steroids! I don't got steroids here! Not steroids! Do not put these in your butt!"
  58. Convince readers of your blog to fill in the last 40 or so things in the comments because you got so so seeeeeeeeepy.