Attend a Padres game at a stadium besides Petco Park
Catch a foul ball
Catch a home run ball
Watch a game from a reserved seat at the Western Metal Supply
Watch a seat from the Toyota Terrace
Shout down from the Toyota Terrace at people in the seats below you, bragging about how great the food is
Get a Padres player to autograph some piece of memorabilia
Make a crazy face at Dennis Morgigno
Visit the Baseball Hall of Fame to see immortalized versions of Tony Gwynn and Dave Winfield
Secretly write the words "Steroid Era" underneath Tony Gwynn's plaque
Throw a peanut at a Dodger Fan
Start a Padres blog
Collect every single Tony Gwynn baseball card ever printed
Wear a Gaslamp Ball t-shirt to a game and then nod knowingly when you see other fans wearing their Gaslamp Ball t-shirts
Write a FanPost on Gaslamp Ball that gets front paged
Make a rubbing of a personalized brick at the brick promenade or the Tony Gwynn statue
Make a rubbing of the entire Tony Gwynn statue
Slide an ATM card through one of the now defunct Compadres Club machines while shouting angrily, "ALL I WANT IS SOME FAST CASH!!!"
When somebody tries to interrupt you while you're standing at the Compadres Club machine, shout, "WAIT YOUR TURN, DODGER FAN"
Eat one of every item from Randy Jones BBQ in one sitting
Go number two in a Petco Park bathroom
Read both volumes of the Fireside Book of Baseball beside an actual fire.
Read the entire Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract beside an actual abstract painting
Read Bang the Drum Slowly while banging a drum slowly
Read Juiced while drinking juice
Stand in front of Sandy Alderson's house naked while making rude gestures with a copy of Moneyball, shouting "THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT ON BASE PERCENTAGE!!!"
Do steroids with Wally Joyner
Attend a church service with Adrian Gonzalez
Go fishing with Jake Peavy
Accidentally get a butt full of buckshot from Ryan Klesko's shotgun while hunting deer
Hit on a female Pad Squadder using the line, "You're the one that won Miss California, right?"
Hit on a male Pad Squadder using the line, "You mean you're not a player? Oh I get it. You're a player"
Send handwritten letters to Emmanuel Lewis in red ink with Ryan Klesko's forged signature in an attempt to weird out the friendship
Become Facebook friends with Omar Vizquel
Build a working Khalil Greene robot
Buy a used cup from the Padres Garage Sale and wear it without washing it
Forgive Steve Garvey for walking out on your mom and leaving you to fend for yourself without a father figure
Try to get discount fumigation service by calling Corky's Pet Control and pretending you're Akinori Otsuka
Get into a fight with Matt Bush
Climb Chris Young like a tree and swing from his ears
Try to score weed off of a member of the grounds crew using the line, "I heard you majored in grass in college. That sounds like you smoke the marijuana."
Write your name in the snow during Padres Snow Day
Bury yourself in the sand at the Petco Beach and see if you can go undiscovered after the game is done and everyone has left the park
Haggle for a better price on faux vintage Padres gear at the Padres store in Petco Park by saying, "Look how trashed it is. It looks like somebody's already washed it a bunch of times."
High five Bob Scanlan and as he past you feeling appreciated, slap his butt, bite your bottom lip, grunt sexually and say "There's my girl"
Give John Weisbarth a hug, but when he relaxes his grip to disengage the hug, tighten your grip and stay in the hug for another seven seconds
Buy the most expensive beer you can find in the park and then feel a little dumb for wasting your money while ruining your liver
Talk a staff member into trading/giving/selling you a Major League Memory Maker pin for your pin collection
Heckle a member of the opposing team by rhyming their names with different euphemisms for feces, penises and vaginas
Buy a house once owned by Randy Wolf
Buy a tanning bed once owned by Brian Giles
Interview Paul DePodesta and convince him to buy you a fish taco
Talk to Kevin Towers, mention guys wanting to pull the fences in and count the number of times he uses the F-word
Wait for a pitcher to throw a fastball that gets clocked at faster than 93 mph, then turn in your seat to the people behind you and shake your hand as if you touched something hot while saying, "yowza!"
Write a ridiculously long list about the Padres and look at it wondering how your sense of humor could be so amazingly inconsistent
Take the labels off of a bunch of tic tac containers and walk around Spring Training yelling, "Not steroids! I don't got steroids here! Not steroids! Do not put these in your butt!"
Convince readers of your blog to fill in the last 40 or so things in the comments because you got so so seeeeeeeeepy.
