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The Marlins have the perfect plan to get people to the ballpark. Fat dudes.

The Marlins are recruiting a bunch of fat guys to be on their cheer squad. The new fat guy cheer squad will not be called Fat Guy Cheer Squad. It will, in fact, be referred to as the Manatees. They will compliment the sexy not-overweight-at-all female cheer sqad, the Mermaids.

As we all know from elementary school, sailors of olden times would often become very homesick on their long journeys, and by "homesick", I mean "horny". They would, on occasion, spy what appeared to be beautiful women singing and swimming in the sea. They called these women, "Mermaids". "Mer" meaning "from the sea" and "maids" meaning "women who will service you". Alas, the horny sailors would sailor their vessels over to try to have sexual relations with the women who would service them from the sea, only to find a herd of manatee. Fat, pale skinned whales. Notably, Christopher Columbus was probably the most famous person to mistake manatees for mermaids, which isn't surprising considering he mistook North America for India.

I can only assume that this is the overall effect that Marlins brass are hoping to accomplish.

"Hey I spotted some sexy mermaids wandering around by the hot dog stand!"

"Dude, really!? Let's go over and fantasize about sexy things in relation to them"

The two horny dudes run over.

"Holy S, dude! These are just really fat A's! F that S, dude! You're horny for some fatties!"

"I could've sworn there were sexys here."

end scene