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I may be forced to do this, but let's pretend like I wanted to do it instead.

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Hi Adrian. It's good to see you. You're looking good these days, and to be honest, you looked fantastic last season. With all that being said, I'd like to talk about giving you a little bit of a raise.

Now, last season you made $327,000. That's a good amount of money, but the boys and I have talked it over and we think you deserve more. Don't thank me yet! I'm going to write a number down on this piece of paper and I'm going to slide it over. Now, when you look at it, don't get all mushy. You know I'm not a hugger.

That's right. You're speechless. You can't believe it. That's three-hundred and ninety-one thousand dollars. Congratulations.

What are you talking about? Of course it's a raise. That's $64k more than what you made last season! New league minimum? Don't think about the new league minimum. Just look at the numbers. Seriously. Double-yew tee eff is up with this ungrateful attitude? I may be forced to do this, but let's pretend like I wanted to do it instead.

OK, fine. You want to be weird about this? How about this for a deal? How bout I give you this precious league minimum you keep talking about and whatever's in my wallet? How's that for a raise? How you like them apples? No. It's too late. You get the league minimum plus whatever I got in my wallet.

Ah f_ck. I forgot I went to the ATM this morning. I take it back. If I give you this then I'll have to hit the ATM twice this month and those fees are a bitch... OK, fine. Never mind. Just take it. I'm sick of talking about it. You've tainted this whole process. This was supposed to be a happy day. Hey! If you're going to say thanks, then don't roll your eyes while you say it. Yeah. I saw that.

Oh and Adrian. Keep on sluggin', player! No, you da man!

Gonzalez gets one year renewal [Padres.com]