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I may be forced to do this, but let's pretend like I wanted to do it instead.

Hi Adrian. It's good to see you. You're looking good these days, and to be honest, you looked fantastic last season. With all that being said, I'd like to talk about giving you a little bit of a raise.

Now, last season you made $327,000. That's a good amount of money, but the boys and I have talked it over and we think you deserve more. Don't thank me yet! I'm going to write a number down on this piece of paper and I'm going to slide it over. Now, when you look at it, don't get all mushy. You know I'm not a hugger.

That's right. You're speechless. You can't believe it. That's three-hundred and ninety-one thousand dollars. Congratulations.

What are you talking about? Of course it's a raise. That's $64k more than what you made last season! New league minimum? Don't think about the new league minimum. Just look at the numbers. Seriously. Double-yew tee eff is up with this ungrateful attitude? I may be forced to do this, but let's pretend like I wanted to do it instead.

OK, fine. You want to be weird about this? How about this for a deal? How bout I give you this precious league minimum you keep talking about and whatever's in my wallet? How's that for a raise? How you like them apples? No. It's too late. You get the league minimum plus whatever I got in my wallet.

Ah f_ck. I forgot I went to the ATM this morning. I take it back. If I give you this then I'll have to hit the ATM twice this month and those fees are a bitch... OK, fine. Never mind. Just take it. I'm sick of talking about it. You've tainted this whole process. This was supposed to be a happy day. Hey! If you're going to say thanks, then don't roll your eyes while you say it. Yeah. I saw that.

Oh and Adrian. Keep on sluggin', player! No, you da man!

Gonzalez gets one year renewal []