A tale in which two cute Pad Squad girls imply that the hero of the story is gay

During the extra long fifth inning of Wednesday night's Padres/Dodgers game, I had a chance to talk to a couple of Pad Squadders: Pad Squad Vanessa and Pad Squad Sassy. I didn't catch her real name, but the nickname Sassy is just as good considering the extreme amount of sass being generated from her.

You know how normal human beings are like 70% water or something? Well, this chick was 75% sass, then like 48% water. And finally you throw in like 63% spice.

Here's a picture:

Pad Squad Vanessa is in on the left next to the aisle and Pad Squad Sassy is on the right.

When they sat down behind us, I figured I'd get a makeshift interview. The big question that I've had recently is where did the Pad Squad dudes go? I could've sworn that there was an overabundance of Pad Squad dudes to start the season, but lately it's all been Pad Squad cute chicks.

I asked what I thought was a simple question. I said, "Didn't you used to have more Pad Squad dudes?" And Pad Squad Sassy replied, "Nope. It's been the same number." And I said, "How many is that?" Pad Squad Vanessa replied, "Five."

At which point, for no apparent reason, Pad Squad Sassy added, "But they're all straight."

I paused for a second before saying, "Ummm... I don't think I would've assumed either way..."

"Oh no," she interuppted. "That's not what I meant. I'm just saying, in case you were wondering."

"I'm not like, asking you to pass a note to one that I think is cute or anything," I said.

She tried to cover. "I didn't mean that. Look," she said as she squeezed my shoulder. "You're manly. If they were gay, they'd totally go for you."

"Yeah," I said. "But I'm not. Gay, I mean... Manly... Perhaps."

In any case, we eventually got off the subject of my sexuality. They noticed Jon's Numbers t-shirt and asked about it and eventually it was revealed that I write for Gaslamp Ball and that we were selling the t-shirts. I didn't have any extra, but Pad Squad Vanessa did try on the one Medium shirt I had on me that eventually went to Gaslamp Baller Christina.

Here's a picture of that:


I know I mentioned before that for women who might wear a size small that the 6 and 42 might get lost on your boobs, but the size medium doesn't really have that problem because of the way the print went. It fit pretty well on Pad Squad Vanessa.

So what's the moral of the story? If you're gay and you're into one of the Pad Squad dudes, you'll have to keep dreaming cause they're all batting for the other side. That's the moral of the story.