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Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

I just started watching this Opening Ceremony thing. What the hell is happening here? What planet is this? There's some strange guy banging an anvil and everybody's writhing around and dressed in pink. It's like somebody threw Captain EO into a blender with the scary clowns from Cirque de Solei.

I don't understand this at all. No wonder Italy's having trouble with their population starting to dwindle. Who'd want to have sex with these people? They're nuts.

And Bob Costas is somehow interpreting this whole thing for us. And the dancers look really into it. A lot of pelvic thrusting going on.

Oh dang, now Cobra Commander just showed up. It's effing Cobra Commander! Cobraaaaaaaa!!!

Oh shit, is that Destro? I think that's Destro, dude. Wait, never mind. It's the Imperial Guard with jet packs. It's crazy.

Now they have guys on the big horns. At least it's wintery now. At least this makes some kind of sense.

Never mind. I take it back. Now they're all dressed like cows and dragging cow statues all over the ice. Now there's a bunch of little old ladies mooing. Why are they mooing? Oh good. They're breaking for commercial.

Seriously. WTF.