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Padres Analogy: A play in three parts

Some Guy
The Voice


THE SCENE: Dex is sitting at home perfectly content with his life. The phone rings.

Dex (picking up the phone): Hello, yes?

The Voice: Hello there, Dex! I'm calling to tell you that you've won! We'll be sending you your prize. You just have to carry it on your back all summer and at the end of the season, you can open it!

Dex (excited): Ho, boy! What do I win!? I've never won anything.

The Voice: Well, it will either be a sack full of gold or a sack full of manure.

Dex: Ummm... OK. Will it be heavy?

The Voice: Of course! It could be a sack of gold, and sacks of gold are heavy.

Dex: But what if I'm pretty sure it's a sack full of manure? Do I have to carry it?

The Voice: Are you crazy? It could be a sack full of gold! Yes. As part of the rules, you have to carry the sack all season. Then you can open it and verify.


THE SCENE: It's the middle of summer. Dex is seen walking around town carrying what appears to be a sack full of manure. Bits of manure are leaking out of the bottom of the sack and flies have gathered. The sack looks to be a good 150 lbs of manure. Some Guy walks up.

Some Guy: Boy, Dex. You sure are lucky to carry that sack around!

Dex (sweating profusely and gagging from the stench): I dunno. I'm almost positive this is a sack full of manure. It's really not comfortable and I'm thinking maybe I should just put it down now.

Some Guy: Are you nuts? Do you know what I'd give to be in your position? That could be a sack full of gold!

Dex: I don't know what you're talking about. The entire bag is moist. It stinks like hell. I haven't felt anything in there that feels like gold. Every now and then something green and brown will leak out the bottom. I think gold is like, gold colored. Gold shouldn't leak green and brown stuff.

Some Guy (agitated): You know something, I've never even won the opportunity to carry a sack to find out! You're an ungrateful person! What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes! (gestures around) What ANY of us wouldn't give!

Dex: I mean, I guess I'm grateful and all, but I'd just like to maybe put this sack down now and hope that I get a call from The Voice next summer.

Some Guy: Where's your hope!? Where's your resolve!? You are some kinda sissy!

Dex (hefting his sack of manure and walking off): All right. Whatever, dude. I guess I'll keep carrying this sack around. It's only a couple weeks before I find out for sure that I've been carrying manure for four months.

Some Guy (calling after him): It could be gold!