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Sit, Padres. Stay. Lie down. Roll over. Play dead.

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Good Padres. Good dog. So good at rolling over and playing dead.

The boys are really taking the dog days of summer literally these days. What have we learned by watching the Padres these last couple of months?

  • You need a solid three and a half catchers to make up for an injured Ramon Hernandez.

  • Team policy is to fine any Padre who attempts to advance from first to third on a base hit.

  • To actually score from second base on a base hit is worthy of a suspension

  • Every single Padre has warning track power.

  • ...Except when there's a runner on third base with less than two outs.

Finally, are we allowed to hold the coaching staff accountable after this season? How do you measure how good your batting coach is? Isn't it by how well the team can hit? How do you measure how good your manager is? Don't you just look at how many wins the team has?

If these guys aren't held accountable for any actual results, then can I have their jobs? Can I be manager for the Padres? What about third base coach? I mean, as far as I can tell, to be third base coach for the Padres involves putting up a lot of stop signs. To be first base coach involves keeping your runners on first base as close as humanly possible to prevent them from actually making it to the next base comfortably. To be a manager involves removing your pitcher for relief right at the precise moment that it's too late. To be a radio or TV announcer for the Padres involves claiming that the other team is currently on a hot streak and the other pitcher really is actually that awesome and it's not just the fact that we suck.

OK. I'm done. It's late. When the Padres don't make the playoffs this season, can we at least lower the price of food at the ballpark next season? I think somebody owes us that.