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The next big thing in baseball bat technology

Every time I see one of these new fangled wooden bats shatter in the process of hitting the ball, I get a feeling in my gut like my brakes are about to fail and I say to myself, "oh man. This is the One." By that, I mean this might be the shattered bat that will finally find a way to impale some poor pitcher or shortstop or something. I perk up in that "let's look at the train wreck" sort of way and watch as the wooden spike flies through the air, seeking out a victim like some flying finely carved maple rattlesnake. The gruesome spectacle has yet to happen.

One other thought that comes to me often is that there isn't enough spectacle in baseball. I like flash and glam. I like the idea of naked panda bears exploding when a home run is hit. Fireworks aren't enough for me. I want a giant clock in the outfield that can shatter and blow up when the Padres take a lead. Then I want Chuck D and Flavor Flav to appear on the Jumbotron and yell, "WHAT TIME IS IT!?"

I know that many of you don't agree with me.

Anyways, there's sort of a point to this post. You remember at the end of Kingpin when they're facing off at the bowling tournament and there's all the crazy light effects and you have cheerleaders everywhere and giant inflatable things? Everybody's dressed all crazy and it's loud and Bill Murray pulls out the coup de grace: The clear bowling ball with the rose in it. Remember thinking, "man that's awesome"? I do.

Well technology has finally brought us to a point where we can do that in basebal! The Air Force is developing transparent aluminum! I know that they want to use it for like bulletproof windshields and Wonder Woman's invisible jet and all that. I want to use it for baseball bats! Imagine a batter stepping to the plate with this clear baseball bat with a rose in the middle. Or maybe a hammer inside there. Or a baby crocodile. Also, since it's aluminum, it would be shatterproof and we wouldn't have to worry about impaling fielders!

Man, that would be awesome.