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Secret code? MABYE!! Wiggins is totoaslly crazy today OMG WIGHGINS GO CRYAZY SUCKS IT DEX AND JBOX!!!!!

Gusys Wigginss is sooduuuuuuuuurunk!!!!!!1 Wighssn htesh the Dodghers burn in hELL LA DOGHDGERS!! AMAMAMAMA!!!!

Sso why are the Pdhasdres so bad iths makhs Wiggies wants to ddie sometmes but do'tn woryss loyal Wiggiebns fans Wiggins will livhe he won'tt die!!!!!

Wgihsns doensth ssusuallly ghets drunk so eearly in the day buth holy shisgt the Padhres suchk Khlalil's hadn Wgigins caghst pleasuirung himself OH NO WIGGINSS H MOM DISHNT TALKL TO WIGGINS SHINCE THEN WIGGINS ISS SO EMBAHRRSHASED!!! LOL!!!!!

SOH DO ANSY LADIES WANST TO CHOME TO WIGGGINS HOUSE RIGHTT NOWWS FOR SMOS FREE MASSAGHE AND MAYBE MOREH????? HAHSHSAAAHAHAHA!! WGIGHNS ISH JSTHS KIDDING.

HUGNRY GO HET MORE PIEY NOW BYE AND BEEEERRRR!!!! MMAMAMA!!

Wiggins often watches Sports Center late into the night. The other night Wiggins was watching sports center and got an urge. The urge had to be taken care of. Sorry, Wiggins is a guy and guys do those things. Even Dex, despite being married, pleasures Dex. Dex loves Dex in the biblical sense. Wiggins has seen it!

Wiggins was taking care of business when news of Khalil and his broken hand came on the screen. Wiggins paused the pleasure to listen, even though he was close to completing the pleasuring routine. If only Wiggins had kept going!

Just then Wiggins mom walked into the room and found him with hand in pleasuring positon while looking at the television and news about Khalil. She just looked at Wiggins, paused, and walked back out of the room.

Wiggins is embarassed and hasn't spoken to his mom since then. Stupid Khalil. If he wouldn't have been an idiot Wiggins wouldn't finished the pleasuring just in the nick of time. Wiggins is kind of depressed.

Wiggins can't believe it. Maddux can't win again? Khalil finally gets a hit--a homerun at that--and the Padres still lose. Why are these guys the freaking Keystone Cops of Major League Baseball? How about we make the Padres a minor league team and give one of the farm teams a chance at the majors. It couldn't hurt.

Wiggins was so upset about the Padres that he went to get a carne asada quesedilla last night at about 2:00 AM. When Wiggins is upset, he eats. Lately Wiggins has been doing a lot of eating. STUPID PADRES;

Anyway, Wiggins hit up his favorite 24-hour taco shop and put in his order. While he was in there, he saw a really cute girl sitting and eating by herself. She was looking at Wiggins coyly, but Wiggins wasn't sure if she was flirting or not.

However, she made it clear. When Wiggins was walking away from the front counter to find a place to sit, she patted the seat next to her and smiled. Wiggins couldn't believe it. Was he going to get lucky?!

He sat down and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Wiggins."

"I know who you are."

She did?

"You post on Gaslampball, don't you? You look just like your photo. I'm kind of a fan."

Wiggins couldn't believe it! A Padres fan! A Gaslampballer? AND CUTE!

"What name do you post under?" Wiggins asked.

"Oh... I just... lurk... and read your posts." She smiled again... AND WINKED! Wiggins was going to get some action, it seemed!

A voice boomed out. "QUESEDILLA CON CARNE ASADA." Wiggins walked up to the front counter and grabbed his order.

"Oh, do you have hot sauce?" The gent at the front counter put a squeeze bottle of hot sauce on Wiggins' tray. "Thanks."

Wiggins walked by and sat next to his new lady friend. But then it happened.

THE STUPID HOT SAUCE WAS CLOGGED. WIGGINS SQUEEZE D IT AND; IT SHOT ALL OVER HER FACE. INTO HERH EYEES. SHE SCREHSAM. WGINGGS APOLOGIZEAS BUT SHE WALKSH OUT AND SAYSL;H "FKCH YOU WGUBHSNS" AND WHSUIGGINS NO GETH SEXHS. WGHI8SSHNS HATEHSG LIFHEHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wiggins has been depressed. The Braves spank the Padres. Khalil "Robot" Greene might get traded. Frankenfriar was a no-show at Saturday's game. Tony Gwynn looks like Grimace. It's all too much for Wiggins to handle.

When Wiggins gets depessed there's only one thing to do: Pizza pig-out a la Domino's.

So, Wiggins picked up his phone and dialed Domino's. "Wiggins would like 2 large pepperoni pizzas, please." Luckily, the staff at Domino's know Wiggins. "Sure, Mr. Wiggins. Right away, sir." Wiggins anxiously waited by the front door.

Ding dong!

Ah-ha, the moment had arrived. Wiggins opened the door and hastily pushed a $20 bill in the delivery guy's hand. "Keep the change!"

Wiggins rushed to the kitchen table and, hands being rung in excitement, popped open the box to find... WHAT THE HELL? Olives. Bleh.

Wiggins tried to catch the delivery guy before he sped off, but it was too late. He was long gone. Wiggins called the Domino's store to complain and they claimed he asked for two large pizzas with olives on them. "We've got it written right here, sir. Oliv--" Wiggins slammed down the phone before the vile word was complete.

Ugh, olives. Wiggins life is not worth living. WI8GHHGS HATE LIFES WIFGGHGNS GO D;LKE NOW BHYE TUPYDSTUPIDO LIFESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More specifically, someone called Wiggins "gay" for wearing a vintage yellow and brown Padres jersey. Thankfully for the idiot who made the comment, they were not wearing a Dodgers cap. In fact, they were wearning nothing baseball-related at all. Strangely enough, what they were wearing was a Chargers jersey... that said "Tolliver" on the back.

Talk about gay.

 The only thing Wiggins could imagine would be worse is if the guy was wearing a McMahon jersey.

Anyway, Wiggins was in a good mood because he had just watched a particularly rousing session of "adult" material* on the Internet so he just said "Have a nice day, sir" and walked away.

* Grey's Anatomy on Youtube

Wiggins wrote a glam rock song about Eric Show called "Eric Show no <3 teh blackz" which will be featured on the official upcoming Gaslampball album, out soon on iTunes.

All sections with CAPS are yelled by all members of the band, except for Dave, the drummer, because his tongue was bitten off by a llama (long story)

For 37 years you walked the planet
Your name was ERIC SHOW not Pete or Janet
You hit Andre Dawson with a ball to the face
Because he was not of the white race

ERIC SHOW! You lost you faith and you lost your way
ERIC SHOW! There were rumors you were possibly gay
ERIC SHOW! You had a moustache and wavy hair
ERIC SHOW! Your eyes were nuts, you had a crazy stare!

Pete Rose hit number 4-1-9-2 off you
You sat on the mound like a pile of poo
You blamed Carmello and gave him a shove
ERIC SHOW! Maybe you just needed some love

ERIC SHOW! You lost you faith and you lost your way
ERIC SHOW! There were rumors you were possibly gay
ERIC SHOW! You had a moustache and wavy hair
ERIC SHOW! Your eyes were nuts, you had a crazy stare!

You were a member of the John Birch Society
But you were not a part of a life of sobriety
The police had to cuff you for spazzing out
In the cop car you kicked the window out
In an adult book store you were acting wacky
Perhaps you were smoking some funny tobaccy
You played the jazz but you hated the blacks
That's a bit ironical, and that's a fact

ERIC SHOW! 37!
ERIC SHOW! HEART ATTCK
ERIC SHOW! ERIC SHOW! ERIC SHOW!
YOU'RE DEAD!

Here is Wiggins' day so far:

1. Get out of bed

2. Eat breakfast (cereal + skim milk)

3. Read newspaper (okay, just the funnies)

4. Watch television

5. Read some posts on gaslampball and roll eyes

6. Watch more television

7. Think about how Wiggins hates when the Padres lose

8. Be filled to the brim with hate

9. Take a shower

10. Eat a corndog

What did everyone else do today? Wiggins imagines dex and jbox have been IMing sweet nothings to one another. "Oh jbox!" "Oh dex!"

Also, Khalil Greene sucks.

Wiggins was not at all impressed with the performance of the Frankenfrair this evening. At times Frankenfriar has been awesome. But tonight... whoa man. Wiggins also noticed that the grounds crew dancer was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps the grounds crew dancer and the person inside Frankenfriar are one in the same.

Wiggins did notice this: the person inside Frankenfriar seemed befuddled on how to quickly change configurations in order to make Frankenfriar go from jumping on its feel to its hands to its head. Just pitiful.

The next time Wiggins sneaks into Petco Park, he will be rather upset if Frankenfriar's performance isn't up to expectations. Wiggins didn't go to the ballgame to see Ichiro not get a hit, he didn't go to see Khalil make an embarassing spin/throw goof, he didn't go to see the Padres outfielders look like Keystone cops, he didn't go to see Baek load the bases in such a timely fashion that it was all said and done by the time Wiggins tied his shoe, and he CERTAINLY did not go to see the institution of Frankenfriarism dragged through the mud by a terrible performance by a Frankenfriar costume wearer/dancer.

Wiggins is considering writing an open letter to the Padres organization about the poor Frankenfriar performance, but he is afriad they will respond with: "Fine. You don't like the performance? Frankenfrair is now banned from the ball park, as are you." Wiggins was ordered to stop sending letters to the Padres organization long ago when he stated (and this is a censored excerpt from the letter that started the drama): "...Dravecky's amputated arm all the way up The Bip's..."

Look, Wiggins doesn't ask for much. A win would be nice, but with this team that's too much to ask. All Wiggins asks for is an inspired performance by whomever happens to be inside the Frankenfrair costume. Is that too much to ask here, people? Tell Wiggins. IS. THAT. TOO. MUCH. TO. ASK. ????????????????

Wiggins knows Hoffman is a legend and all, but let you and Wiggins face it here, people, the guy sucks these days. He has no heat and when he comes into the game, you know the other team is like "Oh sweet!" When HELL'S BELLS starts to play, it's like a signal that batting practice is starting. Even Iguchi and Greene and their low-200s batting averages get jealous because they think "Aw man, now the other team has opportunities to get hits. Hoffman is the easy batting average boost."

But don't take Wiggins' word for it. Here to speak his mind in his own words is Trevor Hoffman. Take it away, Trevor.

Hello Gaslampball. Trevor Hoffman here. Trevor knows he sucks now. Why hasn't Trevor retired yet? Trevor likes the ligths and flash that comes with Trevor's closing opportunities. Trevor might blow saves, but saves get Trevor blows. Whoa, look out! That's all for now. Trevor out.

OK, Wiggins is back. Hi. So Trevor sucks, guys. Wiggins would rather have freaking Kouz on the mound than Trevor. Dear Bud Black: DON'T BRING TREVOR IN ANY LONGER. PS: BUD BLACK YOU SUCK TOO. NICE SMILE. YOU AND KHALIL SHOULD HANG OUT AND DO ZOOLANDER FACES ALL DAY.

Now Wiggins goe die. Wiggins ahte life stupid Padres can't win WHY DID WISGH WASTE HOURS WATCHINGG THAT SLHLTUPID GAME!!!!!!?????