RANT

n.

1. Violent or extravagant speech or writing.
2. A speech or piece of writing that incites anger or violence: "Since the Padres suck so bad right now, I'm going to go ahead with this rant. I'll feel better tomorrow."

First order of business: Invest in some diapers.

If every single player on this team is going to just go ahead and crap on himself every other game, spare the clubhouse guy the pain of having to clean it up.

Second order of business: Pass an envelope around the locker room. Have all the players chip in a couple bucks to buy a nice bouquet of flowers or something. Give the flowers to Bochy and wish him well because he ain't making it to the summer at this rate and the players really should get him something for at least trying.

Thirdly: Do the same for Towers. Sandy Alderson will go ahead and see this thing out. Thanks though for all your help, Kevin. Good job getting all those local SoCal guys on the team. Shame that they couldn't produce anything better than third place for six years (going on seven). Have fun interning for Epstein over in Boston.

Finally: Electric razors. For the Big League Hair. If this team can't play as good as they look, then they obviously don't deserve to look as good as they do. Shave off the Big League Hair. Shave off the goatees. I don't even want to see eyebrows on these primadonnas until they can figure out a way to win 4 out of 5 games at least once this season. Instead of spending your money on haircuts and highlights, I suggest everybody buy a batting tee and hire a kid from the local little league team to hit balls at you, shouting out game situations, until everybody on the team learns the fundamentals. Also, no more choosing uniforms. Screw the uniforms. When you're home, you wear the white uniform. When you're away, you wear the sand. No more alternates. No more mix and match. No more camo or retro.

Realistically, my orders of business won't happen. What I hope does happen is a full on blowup by Bochy. I hope he screams this team's collective ear off. Then, they better not get a day off tomorrow. No more days off. Full practice tomorrow. Fundamentals. How to position your body in front of a ball. How to throw accurately.

I can bear a losing season. Can somebody just tell me it's going to be a losing season? This feeling of hope that I keep lit can only take so much punishment. I can tell jbox and Kev and we can just avoid mentioning the games when we write about the Padres. It'll be all Pad Squad all the time from here on out.