I've figured out why the Padres suck.

You've seen home record vs. away record. The various win/loss records with certain pitchers and lineups. Well, look at these splits:

A: 7 wins, 3 losses

B: 1 win, 8 losses

C: 0 wins, 6 losses

Record A is our Monday through Thursday record. Record B is our Friday, Saturday, Sunday record. Record C is our weekend record when we're away.

What does this mean?

It means that the Padres don't realize that they're supposed to go to work on the weekends. THEY'VE BEEN TAKING THE WEEKENDS OFF! I won't name names (Bruce Bochy), but somebody forgot to remind these guys that they actually have to work when the rest of us normal folk get days off. That's the whole point of baseball. To provide entertainment for the rest of us on the weekends. That 0 and 6 record on the weekends while away is particularly revealing, because it shows that these guys don't get any work done when they're away from home and on the weekends. They think of road trips the same way you or I might think of road trips. A chance to forget about work completely.

According to my research, on the weekends when the Padres have played away this season, they may has well have not shown up to the ballpark, because it's impossible for them to have done worse. It's true. I've crunched the numbers.

If the Padres record during the week were projected out for the season so far, we'd be 13 and 9. Half a game out of first place. As it is, thanks to their slacker attitude, we're 5 1/2 out.

Sandy Alderson, please tell your new team about these findings before Arizona comes to visit this weekend. It's imperative that they realize what their schedule is. Maybe institute time cards so that they have to punch in every day. Whatever you do, do it soon.

Speaking on behalf of all Monday through Friday working Padres fans, here's our message to the Padres players: We like to relax on the weekends just like you, but you're supposed to be working. So you're not allowed to relax with us. And getting swept on the three days when we can really enjoy a game is bad for our collective blood pressure. Thank you.