The Padres (alleged) strategy for (awkwardly) sweeping the Giants

Thearon W. Henderson

"I GUARANTEE A SWEEP," shouts Manager Bud Black satirically.

The San Diego Padres allegedly used their off day to get "psyched the f_ck up" according to, but not really, sources from the team.

One player who wishes to remain anonymous, but still remain f_cking stoked out his brain, says that an unnamed manager of the team held a conference after the game.

"You see," shouted the manager who may or may not have been Bud Black. "You see how that Brewers sh_t went down!?"

"They [critics of the sacrifice bunt] said not to bunt... They [critics of sac bunts early in games] said that we shouldn't bunt... LET ME REPEAT THAT... They [everyone in the world who wants to watch non-boring baseball] came to me and said: Do. Not. Bunt." His voice lowered to barely a whisper as the team collectively nodded , "Well I got something to say to them..."

Everyone in attendance leaned forward expectantly and then whooped and hollered when Black cried out, "WE GON' F_CKIN' BUNT!!!"

Bud Black then went into an extended discussion regarding their strategy for the upcoming Giants series saying that they should be ready to take "some sweet assed revenge"

The strategy consisted of three main points. "First off, boys," he began nodding vigorously. "Expect the bunt. Early. Expect the bunt often. In lieu of high-fives, I want everybody to mime the bunting position periodically. Slightly crouch, square up, butt out, and hold the position, making everyone aware of your intent."

"Second... plan on using the strategy of AggreSSive and PATient at the plate, or as I've taken to calling it, the ASSPAT strategy." When the players responded with confused looks, Black quickly explained. "There's the letters 'A' and two 'S'es in 'aggressive' and the letters 'PAT' in 'patient'. We'll remind each other of the strategy during the game by patting each other on the bottom. If you see somebody in the Bunting Position, you reward them with the ASSPAT."

"Finally, safety first, so we're going to do regular cup checks in and around the dugout. If you're in the dugout, expect a cup check. Since we've had so many hand injuries lately, we'll be doing cup checks with our feet. These should be done primarily when somebody's in the Bunting Position, getting the ASSPAT."

"Do this a lot," he added. "Like all the time."

An unnamed rookie raised his hand tentatively, "Won't doing that look like we're constantly just getting bent over, spanked and kicked in the balls?"

At this, a smile crept across Buddy's face, "That's right son... AND WE'RE GONNA LOVE EVERY SECOND!!! REVEEEEEENGE ON THE GIAAAAANTS!"

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