You guys, I was born in San Diego county, so both of these words; "soccer" and "scarf" were especially foreign to me. Yeah, I'm talking about this one. Why would I ever need a garment to protect my neck from the elements? I've never even heard of an element. I'll tell you why you need to protect ya neck from them: Petco Park. Never in this region has there ever been such a wretched hive of scum and villainy; with regards to wind, that is. The corridors of Petco Park can funnel the harshest winds imaginable. Trust me, I've been to SeaWorld's Wild Arctic several times, I know what I'm talking about.

Enter the soccer scarf, or scarf, if you will. I have said before and I say again, now on record, right here and now; the scarf has changed my life. Because of the winds generated inside the steel bones of our ballpark, icy cold winds, fresh off the bay, pulsing through the veins of our beloved baseball cathedral, we must seek refuge. A San Diegan without direct sunlight won't last more than 36 hours on their own, and these freezing gusts reduce that number drastically.

Garfinkel, le Garf, El Garfarino gave us the scarves, so let's learn how to use the dang things. First, watch this extremely well-composed YouTube video featuring a cute woman lady and tons of ways to get your scarf on. It's less than five minutes. My favorite is The Magic Trick, but post your favorite in the comments section so we can all debate it passionately on but one of the weblogs dedicated to but one of the most unpopular Major League Baseball teams to ever exist, or Club, if you will.

Okay, did you watch all of that? Well, you should have. It was only a few minutes... But guess what, that's entirely too many choices and too much pressure to choose your style, so I would like to hand it over to my good friend Jesse Thorn (@jessethorn) to lay it down and really let you know how it's done.

Q & Answer: Scarf Knots (from Put This On S2E4) from Put This On on Vimeo.

Wasn't that pleasant?

Okay, do you got it? Do you get it now??? Get it, got it, good???? These strips of cloth are exactly what you need to safely attend any and all games in April and May, and any other day our perfect weather betrays us. Wrap them around your neck in a fashionable manner, like a gentleperson, and you're guaranteed to have a consistently perfect personal climate; and that's a fact.

Stay warm, 'Ballers.