Chase Headley is National League Player of the Month, also speaks 11 languages, plays 13 different musical instruments

"I said no!" "Well I said gimme your autograph!" "NO, BLUE! IT WOULD NOT BE RIGHT FOR ME TO GIVE YOU MY AUTOGRAPH IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME. WTF."

As if single-handedly attempting justify Kevin Towers' draft strategy for the Padres, Chase Headley used his magical powers and harnessed his Player of the Week honors into National League Player of the Month.

In August, Chase managed 10 home runs (one six more than all of last season), 31 RBIs, a batting average of .306, 33 hits and a .611 slugging percentage, while spending his days off raising 17 orphans, teaching Algebra to disadvantaged youths, reading to old people at 42% of the county's elder care homes and spaying/neutering 23 feral cats in El Cajon.

Chase is also the first Padres player to receive the award since Tony the Gwynn got it in 1997. When told about Chase's accomplishment, Tony the Gwynn responded by opening up his jacket and revealing 8 silver bats that Gwynn won during his career for each of his batting titles, and which he had molded into a giant chain and has worn around his neck every day since his retirement.

Chase Headley is currently in the midst of not having a contract extended for next season because the Padres aren't really sure if he's better than Jedd Gyorko who must be pretty fekkin' good for the Padres to just want to kick Chase Headley to the wayside. I mean really. It's just Chase Headley.

In other news, since Chase Headley actually performs well, but was drafted by Kevin Towers, there are definitely psychological issues going on. All of San Diego waits with baited breath for the other shoe to drop and for Chase Headley to either turn out psycho or on some kind of performance enhancer. Because I mean seriously... Kevin Towers.


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