I went to the game, everybody. It was the worst game of the season. Like, by far. Cue the "billions of runs we lost by" post. To the Giants.
This post is dedicated to all the season ticket holders on the field level of the third base side of the ball yard. You are all the worst people in the world. I used to think that teen girls who propagated the terrible pop-culture trends we all have to endure each summer were the worst people on this beetle-infested planet, but no; the sea of orange shirts along the third base side (not really a sea, more of a slough dammed by scum, but I'm doing literary stuff here so BACK OFF) have confirmed that, you, sellout garbage fans, are basically the Later Years John Moores of Spectators: only in it for the payout. Now, on with the post.
I got to the game in the 2nd inning like I do every Friday because I live in North County and don't get out of work until five and a half after twelve and "The Five" is a horrendous pile of garbage every Friday between the hours of four and eight. The game was already slipping out of our grasp like so much sand that was the color of our old sand-colored jerseys by then.
When I got to my seats, Giants Fan Girlfriend was sitting... in my seats. Indignant, she tries to tell me she's in the right section and row. "I rest my plump rump in these exact seats nearly forty home games a season and your print-at-hotel-computer-room ticket says four and you're sitting in seventeen. Kindly walk yourself up or down the walkway to the other side of the section to help yourself to your actual seats," I said to her, kinda.
When the grounds crew came on to drag the field after the horrendous top of the third, I expected the grounds crew dancer to come out, but I bet they just told him not to bother after what just happened.
Mikolas came in and I like that guy. To re-remind any new-comers, this is why:
He seasoned a lizard with Mountain Dew and then ate it. You can have like two walks an inning after that, as far as I'm concerned. Crunch on, crunchy lizard man.
In the middle of the fourth, they showed some Cat Videos from the Internet, and at this exact one:
the crowd erupted. Padres fan and Giants fan were cheering in unison. It was basically a bowl filled with Reddit users shouting UPVOTE all at once. I almost died.
My Dear Mother called me after this point and vented how frustrated she was with Dick putting the accent on the wrong syllable of Sandoval. I thanked her for letting me know that there was a silver lining to this thunderhead of poo and pee: I wasn't at home listening to Dick. She also told me that Dick made a bet with Mud that if the Padres came back to win, Mud would have to walk back to his home in Alpine on foot. Wow, really? I mean, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Dick would bet against us, but really, if Mud had "won" the bet... I can't even. So angry right now.
I headed to the PCL Grill for some Hodad's, as you do, and had a seat among those who revealed themselves to be mostly Padres fans when we scored our run. At the bar sat a Giants fan whose jersey read "MAD BUM" with a number on the back, too. This made me think of all the times I've been accosted by aggressive homeless people in San Francisco. Guy might not even have been a baseball fan, he was just there to remind me of SF.
Placed my order only to later find that Hodad's had run out of bacon. I was stunned. Out of bacon. It's one of the saddest things you can hear. It's like wow, Hodad's Hamburger Store has also run out of hamburgers, buns, fries, onion rings, and frings! If I had let the Reddit crowd outside know about this, there'd have been a full-on riot.
For the pull-up challenge, a guy in a brown and gold Gwynn jersey started out decently but his friend ended up lifting him up to help him do as good as the military guys do. It was kinda BS and I think they should take his jersey or something.
As I left the game I captured this:
It's a guy in a blue nylon suit that shows too much of his penis parts. This is the second time I've seen a dude without enough clothes on being taken to Stadium Jail in this exact spot. The other time it was jorts and a t-shirt that was tied in a knot, but it wasn't jbox.
I headed to 7-11 behind the Park at the Park for a refreshing beverage before the fireworks started and this guy was doing push-ups or something so I snapped a pic of that, too.
I don't know, either, but the guy didn't get arrested after crossing the street back and forth in front of a police car in my immediate vicinity so I guess that's okay for him. As you can see, Guy That Was Looking At Me in the photo was also kinda confused.
Welp, that was the game. It sucked. Well, bye.