GAME 1 PREVIEW: OPENING DAY! MUST WIN GAME

"I heard you ain't impressed by me, Jodes. Maybe sexy stare plus flipped up flip down sunglasses will do the trick. No? What about stray hairs in my recently pubescent beard? How about that?"

And today is the day we've all been waiting for.

If you have Time Warner or on AT&T U-Verse, you probably did not realize that today is the first day of baseball, or as I like to call it, "The National Holiday That Should Replace Columbus Day".

Our first game of the season. Our first Must Win Game of the season.

That's right. We have to win the game today.

Here's my reasoning:

We hate the Dodgers
Magic Johnson might be at the game tonight. We must win tonight to break his spirit.
If we don't win tonight, then our odds of winning tomorrow night become something or another.
If Edinson Volquez can beat Clayton Kershaw tonight, then it justifies Jodes voting Kershaw like 5th in last year's SB Nation Baseball Awards voting. We got a sh_t ton of grief over that.
We need to win for Moorad or Moores or Mark Cuban or something. Troy Aikman. We need to win for Troy Aikman.

The Padres have met the Dodgers on Opening Day 5 times. The Dodgers have won 3 of those games and your San Diego Padres have won 2. It's time to even up the score, bitches.

It wasn't very big news, but the Dodgers were recently bought by a group of millionaires led by Magic Johnson for $2.15 billion. As Padres fans, the hope is that they've now shot their wad and are fast asleep with nothing left in the tank. Because let's pretend that they actually have more than $2.15 billion and aren't planning on using the supposed $7 billion TV deal to pay for the team in a leveraged buyout of the Dodgers. Actually, even with that, they have a ton of money.

That means they might be able to spend like a billion on player payroll. With that much money, I bet they buy robot arms and legs for Fernando Valenzuela and trot out genetically engineered zombie versions of old timey time Dodgers and clones of current players. Like a clone zombie version of Albert Pujols or like five Clayton Kershaw clones. That couldn't cost more than a couple hundred million. Magic will make it happen.

That's why we have to win today. We have to win before the zombies come.

GO PADRES.