"HOOOOFP!!! Peed ma-self a little with that one thurr..."
So everybody probably knows this by now, but Jamie Moyer is 49 years old, going on 50. He's looking to be the oldest dude to ever win a game in the Major Leagues. He's failed twice so far, but he's hoping third time is the charm.
Why is he doing this?
Nobody knows. Nobody knows what old people are thinking when they do stuff like pull their seersucker pants up over their belly buttons and tuck in their shirts. Or like when they get mail suggesting that they buy US Mint plates. Why do they buy that stuff? Because they're old.
If I'm a young pitcher in the Rockies farm system, I'm looking at Jamie Moyer and I'm thinking, "Dude... Maybe give me a chance... I'm young and spry... That guy probably eats Activia yogurt to make sure he poops properly after his oatmeal. Maybe you ought to give a guy a chance who's never been in the big leagues instead of giving a 50 year old dude, collects commemorative plates, a chance at breaking an old person record."
However, the real trouble is that Jamie Moyer is 4-2 against us and beat us the last time he faced us back in 2010. Threw a complete game.
After the Aarong Harang Nightmare and the Dale Scott Ump Assisted Triple Play, I have trouble imagining what Jamie Moyer might do to our young kids. He's an old man. They're young kids. This may not end well.
Game starts in a little less than an hour. In the meantime, think about how time comes for us all and what you'll be doing when you turn 49 in like 35 years.