Canepa: PED Penalty hurts so bad, team should just stab itself in stomach, let guts spill out

Jake Roth-US PRESSWIRE

The MLB is imposing it's first strike penalty on Yasmani Grandal and the Padres. Nick Canepa thinks we should skip ahead to the third strike, cut off our own testicles, and self flagellate with whips while we're at it.

What happens when a player gets caught using PEDs in the MLB?

Well, the first time, you get a 50 game suspension, which is almost a third of a regular season. Strike one. The second time you get caught, it's a 100 game suspension. Strike two.

And if you haven't learned your lesson by then, it's a lifetime ban. Strike three and you're out.

Let's see what Nick Canepa thinks it should be...

Whatever ties that bind the Padres to Yasmani Grandal should be cut. That’s right. The chemically polluted catcher should be shown the door by the front end of management’s wing tip.

Wait what happened to strikes one and two!?

Allow me to tell you why. In performing an incredibly stupid and thoughtless act, Grandal burned this franchise, his teammates and its fans when he tested positive for testosterone and thus was smacked with a 50-game suspension by Major League Baseball. He just tore the club’s head off.

It’s easy to say it’s forgivable. But not when it’s unforgivable.

Canepa makes the whole process of using PEDs and attempting to skirt a modern drug testing policy sound like the decision one makes when deciding to buy a bottle of expired milk or deciding to run a red light in a rush or getting up from cleaning house before a final clean wipe check. All this as opposed to the reality of figuring out a way to get the performance enhancers, scheduling a workout regiment in a way to attempt to avoid getting caught, determining which PEDs are most effective...

And what did this thoughtless act do? Not only set fire to the team, but decapitated the team. First he burned them and then tore the head off.

Actually, I guess if I decided to run a red light and it resulted in somebody getting burned alive and then decapitated, I guess it would be unforgivable.

This really does suck apparently. What makes it worse? Oh the fact that nobody else has to put up with this sh_t! Nobody's ever had problems like this!

That’s the first 50 games of the 2013 season playing in the same division with the world champion (superbly run) Giants...

Guillermo Mota - 100 game suspension in 2012. Melky Cabrera - 50 game suspension in 2012. World Series Champs.

...a Dodgers franchise that has more money to burn than Scrooge McDuck...

If September/October were indicative of the "improvements" they've made so far, they really are burning that money. Oh and Manny Ramirez - 50 game suspension in 2009.

...and an Arizona team run by wily Kevin Towers, who can find multiple ways to make chicken salad out of coop deposits.

Third place in 2012 after a first place finish in 2011. Maybe KT is making coop deposits out of chicken salad?

Not even Colorado has this problem, just other ones that involve stink.

Dan Serafini - 50 games in 2007.

And Grandal, 24, a rookie, not only was a big part of that, but expected to be a franchise rock for years to come. He was really good. Coming to the city from the farm, he was unmoved by the bright lights, unafraid. And then he gets caught with his hand in the apothecary jar. He thought of no one but himself. How can Grandal look a teammate in the eye? Sorry isn’t good enough. This was a selfish act. He wasn’t a bench guy. He was this team’s catcher.

Wait a second. Did Grandal actually die? And also, as much as people might not like it, anything that enhances an individual's performance might be selfish, but since this is a team sport, then performing well individually actually helps the team.

Wait I forgot. Grandal did this in a vacuum and gained none of the benefits of performance enhancers. Only the penalties.

But if I were Ron Fowler, a man of honor and respect who is running this franchise — and I certainly am not — I would instruct Byrnes to call in Yas and tell him ciao, adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen, aloha, sayonara, and maybe look up how to say goodbye in several other languages.

OK. So Yasmani Grandal did something that really really hurts the team. Something that happens semi-regularly and twice for the Giants in the same year that they won the World Series. I'm not saying that the Padres have the same resources to recover the same way the Giants recovered, but I am saying that this "solution" of completely crippling the team is on the order of insane. And saying goodbye in multiple languages is just mean.

The second page of the Canepa story is something completely different. Lots of conversation about how, despite everything that happened on the first page, the team shouldn't cut Grandal. Canepa doesn't get two paragraphs from saying that the team should cut Grandal before saying that they shouldn't cut Grandal.

Grandal shouldn’t even be used as an example. If he were to be cut today some other team would unwrap him like a present from heaven. The carousel has no stop button.

Wait, so if we are supposed to say goodbye to him in a bunch of different languages, but not cut him, are we just saying, "See you later"?

That much I'd agree with, but it's in the same paragraph as...

We hear it’s possible for a player to pick up this stuff from tainted supplements, or whatever, but that’s akin to getting a venereal disease from a toilet seat — or, as explained on "Seinfeld," a tractor seat.

Huh.

In the end, Canepa concludes that we'll have to see what Grandal is like when he gets back from his unforgivable offense before deciding whether or not it's forgivable again while also reminding us that nobody in our division has ever done anything like this before despite the best team in our division doing exactly this twice as much. It's only as confusing as your typical "Canpea tries to write about baseball" article.

TL;DR:

Nick Canepa thinks catching the clap from a toilet seat will increase your testosterone.

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