San Diego Padres Terrible Season Emergency Kit

via earthquakekits.webs.com

The Great San Diego Blackout of 2011 has made me realize that I need an emergency kit for just about any thing that might be considered bad. After all, we have an earthquake kit. I know where the water main is and I know where we keep batteries. I have a first aid kit in the car in case of an accident on the road. I have a kit for when a baby poops on the carpet. 

I don't have a kit for when the Padres season very suddenly turns terrible.

I think this is because terrible seasons kinda sneak up on you. It's like when there's an earthquake. Growing up with earthquakes, my first instinct is that the earthquake will just kinda pass me by. But then in an especially bad earthquake, I only realize too late that I should've gotten under a door jam or put on some pants or whatever.

So any self-respecting Padres fan. Get this stuff together right now. The next terrible Padres season that happens, you'll be glad you had your kit on hand.

Plenty of Water
In case of a terrible season, you'll want to make sure you have at least 6 gallons of water for every person for every week of a terrible season. This is because A) You'll be drinking your sorrows away and you should always have a glass of water for every glass of beer you drink and B) When you start to cry uncontrollably, you'll want to pour water on your pants so it looks like you wet yourself, which worth crying over more than a Padres season.

Anaheim Angel's Gear
When things go bad, start wearing your Angel's gear. Local sports talk gives some love to the Angels every now and then and they're close enough for you to go to a game. You don't want the embarrassment of wearing Padres gear. Salvage it with the Angels.

A Boston Red Sox Cap
In really bad seasons, your best bet is to wear a Red Sox cap. You'll be able to say that you root for Adrian Gonzalez to do well and talk about how your grandfather used to talk all the time about the Red Sox and that's why you too are a long suffering fan. Never you mind that your grandfather was born and raised in a province just outside of Manila and never saw a Boston Red Sox game in his life.

Emergency Phone Number List
1. Hacksaw's Ladies Line - For when he asks Padres Fan in Escondido to b_tch about your Padres.
2. Gaslamp Ball Offices - To ask us if/when there will be anything worth reading on this crap blog.
3. Padres Season Ticket Line - To cancel tickets for next season, but since you don't own season tickets, use this number to explain to the service rep that this is why you don't have season tickets.

Pocket Knife
For stabbing your eyes out to avoid seeing the day's box score.

Reusable Grocery Store Tote Bag
For storing your kit and as an eco-friendly alternative to a paper bag for when you need to wear something over your head.

AM/FM Radio
Tune into sports talk 1090 or 1360 to find out when it's safe to come out again.

Canned Tomatoes
Canned tomatoes keep better than regular tomatoes and are a bit messier for when you need something to throw at a Padres hitter.

Orange Safety Fence
When things finally get too bad for you to handle and you have to take matters into your own hands (think the Padres equivalent of zombie invasion), the most prepared Padres fan will have enough Orange Safety Fence to bring the fences at Petco in himself. By the cover of night, set up an outfield fence 15 feet closer to home plate than the existing fence and rest easy knowing you've done your part to help the Padres 2012. 

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