Dear Padres Fan Confidence...

Dear Fan Confidence,

You're looking a little down lately. I'm not about to stage an intervention or anything. In general, you're in good spirits, but at the same time, you're carrying your shoulders a little lower. There is a little less spring to your step. You don't smile with your eyes the way you used to. And the other day at lunch, you got your sandwich with extra cheese and the white bread. I know what that means.

Is it because the Padres are in last place in the NL West? Could that be it?

Maybe it's the fact that they've only managed to win 3 games at home this year. That can be depressing. I totes get that.

Maybe it's because we've managed to only score 60 runs all season, which is the lowest out of all the teams in the Major Leagues of Baseball, and a full nine short of a sexual act. That would be cause for the frown I catch you wearing. Nobody wants to be nine short of a sexual act, when most everybody else has already surpassed that total.

Well, look on the bright side Fan Confidence. It's still early. Those 60 runs scored? You compare that to the fact that the Padres have only allowed 64 runs to be scored against them, which is also the lowest in all of the Major Leagues, and five short of a sexual act. We may not be scoring them in droves, but we sure as hell aren't bending over for any team with a cute face and pomade in his hair like Sally over there.

And maybe we're in last place, but another way to look at that is the fact that the guys on those other teams? They're assholes. Think about that, Fan Confidence... They may have their fancy schmancy "wins" and they may be limiting their "losses", but they're assholes and douchebags. That's the truth. We don't need to be like them just for the sake of being like them.

So buck up Fan Confidence. It's not so bad. It's still early and in a couple of weeks here, we'll all be growing May Beards and celebrating first place. That'll teach em. F_ckin' facial hair. Hair on the face.

Your pal,


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