When Wiggins was a young child, he had San Diego Padres sheets. Wiggins doesn't know where his mom bought the sheets from way back in the day, but he does know that they were pretty awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Wiggins had to beat up a kid who tried to steal the sheets from his house one day when they were supposed to be having an afterschool get together to play Mike Tyson's Punch Out and the kid went to "use the bathroom" only to be discovered stuffing Wiggins' sheets into his backpack. Wiggins don't play that.

Wiggins recently found these sheets and put them on his bed. So many years of memories came rushing back to Wiggins. Welcome back, old friends.

Today Wiggins met a girl at a bar. Well, Wiggins will admit that she was only "beer goggles pretty." In fact, she was kind of ugly, Wiggins supposes. And she wasn't a girl but a kind of lonely older lady. But that's okay. She was not bad for being about 50 years old. And not bad for being the type of lady who would hang out at a bar in the middle of the day and go home with a guy she doesn't know. She must have thought Wiggins was quite the man because before Wiggins knew what was happening, he was enjoying plenty of cushion for the pushin' on those old sheets.

The sheets are adorned with a repeating pattern of a brown Padres logo and Wiggins kind of forgot he was in the middle of sex a couple times, fondly remembering all the times he slept on those sheets after listening to or watching a Padres baseball game.


Can Wiggins get the roof raised for breaking his 3-year sexless streak in true Padres fashion? And better yet, Wiggins got her phone number. She wants to continue to hang out and have Padres sheets sex with Wiggins. Can this day get any better? Could this be love?