Official: Jed Hoyer and Jason McLeod are Cubs. Josh Byrnes is GM of the Padres. CBS says Padres are doomed.

Not a lot new here, but let's round up how the national media is covering what we've been talking about for weeks. In case you've been in Turkey for the last three weeks, the Padres continue to develop their reputation as Incubator for Executives by losing GM Jed Hoyer and Assistant GM Jason McLeod to Theo Epstein.

You'll of course remember that Theo Epstein and Jason McLeod, before they became Chicago's baseball darlings, were both interns for the San Diego Padres in the late 90's to early 2000's. Our farm system may not have been much in those years, but the kids running around making copies and fetching coffee for the baseball operations department were AMAZING.

First, one thing to put your mind at ease. It's being widely reported by everybody (except Hacksaw who may still be yelling about something or another) that the Padres will be getting compensation in the form of a Player to Be Named Later. Personally, I would've liked to have seen at least two people come out of that considering we're losing our GM and we just signed McLeod to a new contract

OK. Onto the national media. My favorite quotes come from CBS Sports blogger, Evan Brunell who has read the scriptures and sees nothing but hell for the Padres for the next thousand years.

***SPOILER: IF YOU HATE THE PADRES, THIS IS THE ONE ARTICLE YOU NEED TO READ***

Here's how he opens a post titled, New Padres GM Byrnes won't let team suffer. Comforting title, right? WRONG, SALLY (emphasis mine):

In a move that could decimate the Padres for years to come. . . 

WOAH. WTF? We're decimated? They are killing one of every ten people in the Padres Front Office? WOAH.

This move has been expected for a while, but now that it's finally official, we can look at the shockwaves of this deal in San Diego. . . . While the move was done with the blessing of Padres CEO Jeff Moorad, who now gets to elevate Josh Byrnes into the GM seat, it's a major change that could derail the club.

Man, according to this... Jeff Moorad gave his blessings to allow our club to be decimated. WTF else is next!? There must be a glimmer of hope, right?

WRONG!

The then-35-year-old [Josh Byrnes] was hired in 2005 [by the Jeff Moorad and the Diamondbacks] (allowing Hoyer to rise to the assistant GM role with the Red Sox) and was given an eight-year extension prior to the 2008 season Under Byrnes' watch, the Diamondbacks did improve the from the season before, but that's pretty easy to do when the 2004 team lost 111 games. The team did go on to win a division title, but floundered for three seasons before Byrnes was cut loose partway through 2010.

So, according to CBS. Not only did Moorad apparently hire the wrong guy the first time around, he also gave Byrnes what appears to be a ridiculous contract at Arizona. And the good things he did? Turn around a team that lost 111 games? EASY PEASY, says CBS. Win the division title? F_CK THAT, says CBS. They floundered... FLOUNDERED, I say for years afterwards.

Oh man... OK, so what are we losing... I mean the Padres came in last place last season, so we must not be losing a lot, right?

WRONG AGAIN!!!!

Meanwhile, Hoyer and MacLeod have brought the Padres along rather nicely in the two years they had to replace Kevin Towers, who is now Diamondbacks GM.

WTF? Rather nicely? Wait... Lemme check... Nope. Still last place last season... And what's this "had" to replace Kevin Towers? I thought we originally brought in Hoyer. Kevin Towers wanted to be jobless all those months before getting hired by AZ? Ummm....

Man... This is bad. But, if you haven't blown your brains out in despair, and make it to the end of the article...

It's near impossible to speculate how well the Padres will do under Byrnes, but fans shouldn't despair.

Wait... I thought we were getting decimated... What?

Given how Byrnes and Hoyer come from similar schools of thought and worked under Epstein, it's unlikely Byrnes will rip up the processes that have been installed in San Diego over the last few years. Rather, he'll continue them, while putting his own stamp on the team. The rise of Arizona in 2007 and 2011 should make Pads fans confident in Byrnes, even though the loss of Hoyer hurts.

Hold on! I thought we were getting decimated. I thought we were derailed. I thought that everything Byrnes did with the Diamondbacks was sh_t cause it was soooooooo easy. I thought there were SHOCKWAVES. I mean, come on.

Based on the first 3/4ths of that article, at the press conference on Monday, I fully expect Mr. Moorad to wash his hands with pig's blood at the foot of the waterfall staircase in Petco Park. I want to see the blood being poured from a chipped clay pitcher that was obviously once brown, but has been painted a worn blue color, and I want to see the Pad Squad, dressed in rags, weeping. Then, I want Moorad to say something really cryptic in his booming voice like, "FROM THIS DAY FORTH, MAY THE STREETS OF SANTO DIEGO RUN SEDONA RED FROM BLOODY TEARS BROUGHT FORTH BY DESERT SAND, STINGING LIKE A SCORPION IN YOUR SNAKE SKIN BOOT". And then I want to see the check from the City of Chicago for a TRILLION DOLLARS, buying our club. The money will then obviously be pocketed by Troy Aikman so that he can move the Chargers to San Antonio, Texas. But I don't want the Padres moved. I want to see the Padres trot out low A-ball players for the next 50 years and only sell stale popcorn at the concessions stands. Stale popcorn and spoiled milk. That'll be our ballpark staple. Petco Park will be like a forgotten city where trash is sent and babies are stolen. Jeff Moorad will be carried around the city in a golden palanquin, urinating in public whenever he pleases at the blessing of the mayor and the commissioner of baseball. Bloggers from CBS will follow his every move and send out missives to the masses, carbon copied on 100% unrecycled paper, dropped from Moorad's private plane, daily. The missives would continue to inform the city of San Diego that their sports teams are doomed... DOOMED. That will happen for the next 80 years as Moorad convinces Life Technologies and Qualcomm to sponsor him a cyborg body.

That would be epic.

In reality? The Padres 2012 season will probably be better than the Padres 2011 season and the Cubs will once again not win the World Series. Cest la vie.

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