Theo Epstein to join the Chicago Cubs, end curse, turn Cubs Fan into insufferable prick.

by Dex on Oct 12, 2011 12:08 PM PDT

The Holy See has finally approved the deal that is going to drive the cursed spirits out of Chicago forever. Theo Epstein, who has banished the curses that befell the City of Boston since Babe Ruth was sold to the New York Yankees, has received word from the Vatican that he is now allowed to perform exorcisms with the Cubs Baseball Club. Using things like "science" and "mathematics", Theo Epstein has vowed to send the goat devil away from Chicago forever to await judgement from above.

Unfortunately for Padres Fans, Padres GM Jed Hoyer and Director of Scouting Jason McLeod were also instrumental in banishing the evils away from Boston forever. Fans of our local baseball club will need to keep a close eye on Theo Epstein to see who, if anybody, he needs to recruit to complete his holy mission.

Also, the one after effect that Epstein will need to avoid while accomplishing his spiritual tasks in Chicago is ensuring that the fans of the city do not turn into insufferable pricks in the same way that all of Boston Fandom was turned into insufferable pricks once their curse was lifted. Much like the works of the fabled Pet Semetary or Monkey's Paw, when bringing back something that's been dead, you sometimes unleash an insufferable, prickish, douchebag evil greater than that you were hoping to banish.

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That's going to be hard

because Cubs fans are already insufferable pricks.

A pirate I was meant to be!
"You say you're nasty pirates,
scheming, thieving, bad bushwackers?
From what I've seen I tell you
You're not pirates, you're just slackers!"

by Zach (maestro876) on Oct 12, 2011 12:12 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs

Exactly!

Unless they make the jump from from insufferable pricks to straight-up pretentious assholes.

"follow @radio2012, trust me, you will find his optimism, innocence, and honesty quite refreshing. as a jaded bastard, i sure do." justdave2103

http://twitter.com/#!/radio2012

by Jonathan Holmes on Oct 12, 2011 12:14 PM PDT up reply actions

You mean like the Giants did?

by athletics68 on Oct 12, 2011 2:18 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs

that's what she said

…

by sulleymon on Oct 21, 2011 10:51 PM PDT up reply actions

Aw

This makes me think of the old lady I met at Wrigley Field who asked if my droid was “one of those fancy internet telephones” and asked me to keep her posted about Derrek Lee being traded. I don’t want her to turn into an insufferable prick.

"Beating the Red Sox feels SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!" -jbox

Bolts from the Blue - San Diego Chargers Blog Created By The Fans, For The Fans

by Wonko on Oct 12, 2011 12:14 PM PDT reply actions 2 recs

rec for android

by kevintheoman on Oct 12, 2011 1:04 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs

Theo has best keep his

Damn dirty Cubbie hands off Hoyer and McLeod. Sacrifice Byrnes to the holy exorcisms.

Padres Fan.

by MrDanielX on Oct 12, 2011 12:15 PM PDT reply actions

It won't be Theo coming after Hoyer

It’ll be the Red Sox if anyone does…

by athletics68 on Oct 12, 2011 2:19 PM PDT up reply actions

Lucchino et al are dirty too!

Filthy Red Sox fans!

Padres Fan.

by MrDanielX on Oct 12, 2011 2:57 PM PDT up reply actions

I'm thinking his first move is either going to be Prince or Albert

He’ll have to make a splash one way or another.

Mat Latos is the real deal...Go Lakers, Pads, and Bolts

by mrbarneydangles on Oct 12, 2011 12:38 PM PDT reply actions

hmmmm

Now if Theo wanted to make a real splash….he’d just get a Prince Albert (NSFW).

by Drama on Oct 12, 2011 1:11 PM PDT up reply actions

PSW

No pants. No problem.

jbox likes it when the D hangs low.

by jodes0405 on Oct 12, 2011 1:22 PM PDT up reply actions

look for him to sign

Prince Fielder

Forget the brown...Bring back Hudson & Bauer!

by turbopan on Oct 14, 2011 4:08 AM PDT up reply actions

Hell if the NL is going to get the DH in 2013

Might as well sign both of them.

by athletics68 on Oct 12, 2011 2:19 PM PDT up reply actions

"Science, mathematics"...

…and shitloads of money.

by EvilSammy on Oct 12, 2011 4:29 PM PDT reply actions

‘shitloads’ being a scientific term

"Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

by Ron Mexico on Oct 12, 2011 9:31 PM PDT up reply actions

How can Theo get credit for turning Cubs fans into insufferable pricks...

…when that is something they already are?

Ehhhh, I don't deserve a signature...

by sdchicken on Oct 13, 2011 2:53 AM PDT reply actions

I lived in Chicao for a few years

Cubs fans are awful outside of Chicago inside of Chicago they’re not as bad.
Sports culture is weird on the north side. The Cubs spend like New York, Boston, and Philly teams, more then $125 million in fact, but Cubs fans know that it doesn’t mean anything and that they will eventually lose like they always do.
I guess what I’m saying is that the Phillies and Yankees spend a bunch of money hoping it will turn into a ring (and it works) the Cubs do it knowing it won’t.
When the Red Socks spend 161 million and meltdown it’s a huge story, everybody gets fired and it’s all anyone can talk about. When the Cubs spend $125 million to have the same record as the $45 million Padres (71-91) no one bats an eye. Maybe Theo will fix that and send them to the playoffs for a few years but Cubs fans have heard it all before and won’t be holding their breath.

Forget the brown...Bring back Hudson & Bauer!

by turbopan on Oct 14, 2011 5:04 AM PDT reply actions