Why Steve Garvey needs a statue

People love statues.  Not just weird people, but everyone.  Statues are always symbolizing something, fixed in time and space, preserving our collective memory while collecting ejaculate.

People also love Tony Gwynn – at least, San Diegans do – so it was a no-brainer for the Padres to memorialize one the city’s greatest athletes by placing a 10-foot statue of him in PETCO Park.  At the unveiling, Tony Gwynn even commented:

Even when I'm dead and gone this statue is going to be here, and that's a way to remind people what you did when you were here, and that's a cool thing.

Indeed.  So while I was initially hesitant to grant that honor to any other Padres Hall of Famer – more statues, I reasoned, might devalue the appreciation we’d like to show Gwynn – some truly awesome ideas regarding how to memorialize Trevor Hoffman have all but eliminated those concerns.

In fact, I think it’s time we built a statue of Steve Garvey.  Here's why...

Old Swinging Dick #6 has fathered children all over this country.  And that means ticket sales.  Bastards everywhere will travel to San Diego for reasons I don’t even want to know about.  They’ll turn up Tony Gwynn Way and arrive at Petco’s gates "as innocent as children, longing for the past."  Of course, we won’t mind if you look around, Jeff Moorad will say.  It’s only $20 per person.  And they’ll instinctively seek out Steve Garvey’s statue like sperm swimming to an egg.

Not only that, but think of the promotions.  The Padres can celebrate San Diego Orphanage night where all orphans can buy ½-price tickets.  Then, all those kids can line up at Garvey’s statue, rub it, and make a wish that they’ll get adopted.

Depending on how many games they go to – which they can keep track of with a Compadres Card – they can win prizes and shit, like porridge, or even adoption.  Like, if they go to 60 games, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will take them in.  For 50 games, maybe Madonna will take a chance on them.  For 40 games, you're probably looking at Nicole Kidman, and so forth down the celebrity ladder.  So now they not only have an incentive to go to games, but they should go to as many games as possible to avoid getting adopted by parents who aren't as cool.

Anyways, the possibilities are endless.

Here’s another idea.  On Sundays, you can bring your kids and get a free DNA test.  Fun for the whole family!

SOMEBODY CALL MENTOR!