Padres Power Rankings - Penultimate Week
by Axion on Sep 22, 2010 10:21 PM PDT
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PrintInspired by the wording of one Detective Jonathan Holmes and a fanshot he submitted, these are the power rankings of the San Diego Padres. As everyone knows, power rankings are completely fictitious rankings that "rank" the top teams, players, etc., usually according to how much the author likes them. There's no formula except my own which automatically makes you wrong, but feel free to debate in the comments anyway.
The rankings are also divided between pitchers and fielders. The nonexistent formula is so complicated that it can't be adapted to incorporate pitchers and position players on the same scale without leaving out critical metrics. Also, injured players are not included.
I warn you that reading on is considered a binding agreement wherein you so much as smirk or derive any enjoyment whatsoever, you are bound by GLB law to rec this post. Go Padres.
Position Players:
| 1. | 2B | David Eckstein | Is there anything he can't do? Besides throw hard, hit well, run fast, or reach things on the top shelf at the grocery store? |
| 2. | SS | Miguel Tejada | Mister 300. Spotlight, motherf*ckers |
| 3. | OF | Aaron Cunningham | Hogging up the leadoff spot and making a pig of himself with spectacular diving plays in the outfield. He's the only one that should be allowed to dive. |
| 4. | C | Nick Hundley | Free Hot Rod! |
| 5. | C | Yorvit Torrealba | Ranked lower than Hundles because Nick's the hotter hand. |
| 6. | RF | Ryan Ludwick | Quietly hitting a cool .333 over his last 33 ABs with 5 walks, a homer, and 9 RBI; going from Dudwick to Studwick? |
| 7. | 3B | Chase Headley | The Savior is quietly having a great season. Nobody tell him, because when he starts to smell it, things go downhill. |
| 8. | OF | Will Venable | This is the week where we've always loved him. |
| 9. | CF | Tony Gwynn Jr. | He's just like his dad if his dad's bat were his glove. Welcome back, Anthony. |
| 10. | UT | Matt Stairs | I think he's still got a Canadian ice-cold blast in him for the final stretch. |
| 11. | OF | Chris Denorfia | Stop diving, resume hitting. |
| 12. | OF | Luis Durango | I swear I saw him hit a ball into the outfield the other day. On the fly. |
| 13. | UT | Oscar Salazar | I'd still order the soup. |
| 14. | UT | Mike Baxter | Identity unknown |
| 15. | SS | Everth Cabrera | Sorry Everth, but we're all drinking Miggelob Ultra now. |
| 16. | OF | Scott Hairston | Can't get on base, and even if he did, there's no chance for a BroBI. What's the point? |
| 17. | C | Chris Stewart | Replacement level equipment carrying. |
| 18. | 1B | Adrian Gonzalez | What has this guy ever done? I bet he's in witness protection. |
Pitchers:
| 1. | SP | Mat Latos | Wither before his steely gaze. Legend has it that it isn't a tattoo of baseball stitches in his arm, but rather, he was born with a baseball for a hand, and through intense therapy, he developed it into a normal human hand, only more god-like. Think District 9, only backwards. |
| 2. | SP | Clayton Richard | This barrel-chested beast of a man just shut down the flailing Dodgers. It was Latos-esque. |
| 3. | CL | Heath Bell | The lovable man-child himself. Follow him @heathbell21. |
| 4. | SP | Tim Stauffer | Little Timmy Two-Shoes goes 6 strong to secure us first place. Sorry, Tim, but this is as high as you can go with the other guys on the team and having not pitched a complete game shutout. |
| 5. | SP | Cory Luebke | Back off ladies, I don't even think he's legal. |
| 6. | RP | Luke Gregerson | Just set the record for holds in a single season. |
| 7. | RP | Mike Adams | I'm still riding high off that throw he made from his butt a couple weeks ago. |
| 8. | SP | Jon Garland | Dare I say, better than we expected this season? His last two starts have been up and down since he had those words. Be Gnarland, not Judy. |
| 9. | RP | Joe Thatcher | The lefty specialist has flirted with the run fairy label |
| 10. | SP | Chris Young | The six million dollar man is rebuilt and ready to help the final two weeks. |
| 11. | RP | Ryan Webb | He of the faceless slider-tossing goofs; lord of the backpacks. |
| 12. | RP | Ernesto Frieri | He eats batters alive across the country. |
| 13. | RP | Edward Mujica | Edward, what have you shaved into your face now? Just... just get in the table. |
| 14. | RP | Luis Perdomo | The poor man's Mujica. |
| 15. | RP | Adam Russell | The poor man's Ryan Webb. |
| 16. | RP | Cesar Ramos | You're pushing it, mister. Quit screwing up the bullpen numbers, we've got a reputation to uphold. |
| 17. | SP | Wade LeBlanc & Kevin Correia | Sons, I am so disappoint. |
Go Padres!
This FanPost was written by a member of the Gaslamp Ball community and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Gaslamp Ball managers or SB Nation.
59 comments
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34 recs |
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Comments
I rec'd this before I even read the whole thing.
You have yet to disappoint me with a fanshot.
I need new pants.
by jodes0405 on Sep 22, 2010 10:31 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Yep. It was awesome. I heart this and you, Ax.
I need new pants.
by jodes0405 on Sep 22, 2010 10:42 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Or a FanPost.
www.FriarsOnCardboard.blogspot.com
"jbox does not drink coffee, as it makes him clean house big time." ~Kev
by TheThinGwynn on Sep 23, 2010 12:12 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
David Eckstein cannot throw hard.
No rec.
Ask any baseball player, any real baseball player. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning's winning.
by Sam (sdsuaztec4) on Sep 22, 2010 10:48 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Oh wait. I read that wrong.
Rec.
Ask any baseball player, any real baseball player. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning's winning.
by Sam (sdsuaztec4) on Sep 22, 2010 10:50 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
and the rec'cing ball continues
great post!
"Speak softly and wear a loud shirt" - Kimo's Rules
by greekpadre on Sep 22, 2010 11:18 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Wait so why is AGON ranked last?
Save the best for last concept?
Rec nonetheless.
by Escalocas on Sep 22, 2010 11:36 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Clearly because he has done NOTHING to help this team
He is naught but a load, as heavy as the footfalls he takes as he shuffles around the bases.
Ehhhh, I don't deserve a signature...
by sdchicken on Sep 22, 2010 11:49 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Adrian who?
I was dating this girl from Canada... after about a month I found out she didn't know what sport the Padres played, she thought "padre" was spelled p-o-d-r-a-y and she thought it was some kind of a fish. Dealbreaker.
by Johnny UT on Sep 23, 2010 8:17 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Good point. He runs like a catcher.
Have you seen him run first to third on his home runs? Slowest on the team!
by wegotballsley on Sep 23, 2010 8:33 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
I thought we DFA'd him to pick up Baxter, no?
I BELIEVE.
by LetBurroughsPitch on Sep 23, 2010 12:37 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Wait...who the fcuk is Adrian Gonzalez?
Ehhhh, I don't deserve a signature...
by sdchicken on Sep 23, 2010 2:07 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
I couldn't rec this enough
Though I’d like to give the Coz and Frenchman a bit more love – we might need a long reliever at some stage, and I’d like one of them to be able to step up to it.
And you were too generous to Agonzolez
queen of the rec fairies (http://spunc.com.au/members/hunter/product/9780980517965/)
by Aussie fan on Sep 23, 2010 3:05 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Rec'd
Please think of the bums when you win the gift card
Don't hate the game, hate the nerds!
by thenerdhater on Sep 23, 2010 7:31 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
somebody wants a new jersey
"I suggest more bike" ~KSK
www.throughbucknerslegs.com
by justdave on Sep 23, 2010 7:37 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
rec'd for the use of the word "penultimate"
Always reminds me of this
What I need is an electric monk
by Boilermaker19 on Sep 23, 2010 7:41 AM PDT reply actions 2 recs
Rec'd for Black Keys Reference!
"This team looks dangerous, like a convict with a temper, nothing to lose and a switch blade." -jbox
by MrDanielX on Sep 23, 2010 8:36 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Black Keys?
What I need is an electric monk
by Boilermaker19 on Sep 23, 2010 8:56 AM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
Alright, so I looked up the Black Keys
They’re no Hanson, but they’re pretty good.
What I need is an electric monk
by Boilermaker19 on Sep 23, 2010 10:24 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Rec'd for Hanson reference!
"When the going gets tough... TheGrandHatching pops in later." -- WG
by TheGrandHatching on Sep 23, 2010 10:44 AM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
Rec'd for rec'ing the Hanson reference
"I'll tell you about it because I am here and you are distant."
by The Kipper on Sep 23, 2010 11:39 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Clay Dick ahead of Heater?
I guess the “gorgeous smile and hot body” category weighed pretty heavily in these rankings.
by theodore donald kerabatsos on Sep 23, 2010 8:51 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
No, really
Are there? Not in Jordan World.
"You're like the nicest internet person I know." - theodore donald kerabatsos
by Jordan_Ming on Sep 23, 2010 10:56 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
shirtless Clay Dick > Latos
"I'll tell you about it because I am here and you are distant."
by The Kipper on Sep 23, 2010 9:48 AM PDT up reply actions 2 recs
Job well done
Could you maybe include a reference to some band that I like in your next post? I mean, I really liked it, but had you mentioned Mariachi El Bronx it would have been something I could have appreciated even more…
"I'll tell you about it because I am here and you are distant."
by The Kipper on Sep 23, 2010 9:40 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Awesome!
I inspired Axion!
I’m flattered.
"Since we only live once (that we know of) we should focus on enjoying our lives, not stressing to follow every single thing and trend that society impose upon us." - Thom Yorke of Radiohead
by Jonathan Holmes on Sep 23, 2010 9:55 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
If I could rec this more than once I would
I would move Mujica down to 16.
Still waiting for Matt Holliday to touch the plate.
by sqrunt on Sep 23, 2010 10:20 AM PDT reply actions 1 recs
Thatcher is numer one on my list
"Get your hopes up. That's what hopes are for by the way, to get up. You don't get your hopes down, you get your hopes up." -Jeffrey Tambor
number*
"Get your hopes up. That's what hopes are for by the way, to get up. You don't get your hopes down, you get your hopes up." -Jeffrey Tambor
27 recs??
Can you just give the guy his gift card now?
IT’S OVER.
by Drama on Sep 23, 2010 5:04 PM PDT reply actions 1 recs
WAIT NOT YET.
I have some pictures that I could stick in a fanpost. I think I could earn that gift card.
I need new pants.
by jodes0405 on Sep 23, 2010 5:30 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Rec'd.
I don’t even need to see the photos.
"When the going gets tough... TheGrandHatching pops in later." -- WG
by TheGrandHatching on Sep 23, 2010 5:53 PM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Do we have to pay?
"Get your hopes up. That's what hopes are for by the way, to get up. You don't get your hopes down, you get your hopes up." -Jeffrey Tambor
I've given up on it.
I’ll post mine after the season is over now
"You're like the nicest internet person I know." - theodore donald kerabatsos
by Jordan_Ming on Sep 24, 2010 10:40 AM PDT up reply actions
This post has 29 recs
Black Keys you can count on.
"I'll tell you about it because I am here and you are distant."
failed to post
Black Keys you can count on.
"I'll tell you about it because I am here and you are distant."
What? I meant to say...
Black Keys you can count on.
"I'll tell you about it because I am here and you are distant."
This is overwhelming
Thanks, everyone.
I still expect to be unseated by someone else on the dark horse topic of Chinese Heritage day and the events therein.
Isn't it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you? ◔ヮ◔
Uncommon Sportsman :: Absurdity in play
Well done, dude!
Is this going to become a regular post? It should be…
Oh internet, what a wicked web you weave.
I’m hoping to do it again Wednesday night if time allows.
Isn't it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you? ◔ヮ◔
Uncommon Sportsman :: Absurdity in play
im planning something fantabulous
it may involve drawings
"I suggest more bike" ~KSK
www.throughbucknerslegs.com
but then again maybe i won't
because i can’t compete with the mighty ax.
miggelobe… brilliant
"I suggest more bike" ~KSK
www.throughbucknerslegs.com
looks like TTG's gonna have to get another GLB tattoo
"I'll tell you about it because I am here and you are distant."
Damn.
Ask any baseball player, any real baseball player. It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile; winning's winning.
by Sam (sdsuaztec4) on Sep 24, 2010 4:19 PM PDT reply actions
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