FanPost

Padres Power Rankings - Penultimate Week

Inspired by the wording of one Detective Jonathan Holmes and a fanshot he submitted, these are the power rankings of the San Diego Padres. As everyone knows, power rankings are completely fictitious rankings that "rank" the top teams, players, etc., usually according to how much the author likes them. There's no formula except my own which automatically makes you wrong, but feel free to debate in the comments anyway.

The rankings are also divided between pitchers and fielders. The nonexistent formula is so complicated that it can't be adapted to incorporate pitchers and position players on the same scale without leaving out critical metrics. Also, injured players are not included.

I warn you that reading on is considered a binding agreement wherein you so much as smirk or derive any enjoyment whatsoever, you are bound by GLB law to rec this post. Go Padres.

 

Position Players:

1.  2B David Eckstein  Is there anything he can't do? Besides throw hard, hit well, run fast, or reach things on the top shelf at the grocery store?
2. SS Miguel Tejada  Mister 300. Spotlight, motherf*ckers
3. OF Aaron Cunningham  Hogging up the leadoff spot and making a pig of himself with spectacular diving plays in the outfield. He's the only one that should be allowed to dive. 
4. C Nick Hundley  Free Hot Rod!
5. C Yorvit Torrealba  Ranked lower than Hundles because Nick's the hotter hand.
6. RF Ryan Ludwick  Quietly hitting a cool .333 over his last 33 ABs with 5 walks, a homer, and 9 RBI; going from Dudwick to Studwick?
7. 3B Chase Headley  The Savior is quietly having a great season. Nobody tell him, because when he starts to smell it, things go downhill.
8. OF Will Venable  This is the week where we've always loved him.
9. CF Tony Gwynn Jr.  He's just like his dad if his dad's bat were his glove. Welcome back, Anthony.
10. UT Matt Stairs  I think he's still got a Canadian ice-cold blast in him for the final stretch. 
11. OF Chris Denorfia  Stop diving, resume hitting.
12. OF Luis Durango  I swear I saw him hit a ball into the outfield the other day. On the fly.
13. UT Oscar Salazar  I'd still order the soup. 
14. UT Mike Baxter  Identity unknown
15. SS Everth Cabrera  Sorry Everth, but we're all drinking Miggelob Ultra now.
16. OF Scott Hairston  Can't get on base, and even if he did, there's no chance for a BroBI. What's the point?
17. C Chris Stewart  Replacement level equipment carrying. 
18. 1B Adrian Gonzalez  What has this guy ever done? I bet he's in witness protection.

 

Pitchers:

1.  SP Mat Latos  Wither before his steely gaze. Legend has it that it isn't a tattoo of baseball stitches in his arm, but rather, he was born with a baseball for a hand, and through intense therapy, he developed it into a normal human hand, only more god-like. Think District 9, only backwards.
2. SP Clayton Richard  This barrel-chested beast of a man just shut down the flailing Dodgers. It was Latos-esque.
3.  CL Heath Bell  The lovable man-child himself. Follow him @heathbell21.
4. SP Tim Stauffer  Little Timmy Two-Shoes goes 6 strong to secure us first place. Sorry, Tim, but this is as high as you can go with the other guys on the team and having not pitched a complete game shutout.
5.  SP Cory Luebke  Back off ladies, I don't even think he's legal.
6.  RP Luke Gregerson  Just set the record for holds in a single season.
7. RP Mike Adams  I'm still riding high off that throw he made from his butt a couple weeks ago.
8. SP Jon Garland  Dare I say, better than we expected this season? His last two starts have been up and down since he had those words. Be Gnarland, not Judy.
9. RP Joe Thatcher  The lefty specialist has flirted with the run fairy label 
10. SP Chris Young  The six million dollar man is rebuilt and ready to help the final two weeks. 
11. RP Ryan Webb  He of the faceless slider-tossing goofs; lord of the backpacks.
12. RP Ernesto Frieri  He eats batters alive across the country.
13. RP Edward Mujica  Edward, what have you shaved into your face now? Just... just get in the table.
14.  RP Luis Perdomo  The poor man's Mujica.
15. RP Adam Russell   The poor man's Ryan Webb.
16. RP Cesar Ramos  You're pushing it, mister. Quit screwing up the bullpen numbers, we've got a reputation to uphold. 
17. SP Wade LeBlanc & Kevin Correia   Sons, I am so disappoint.

 

Go Padres!

This FanPost was written by a member of the Gaslamp Ball community and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Gaslamp Ball managers or SB Nation.

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