The Padres completed the sweep of the Diamondbacks today.

Denorfia hit two home runs. He's good at baseball.

In other news, there was some crazy intensity when Everth Cabrera, upon getting picked off at third, crashed into Mark Reynolds who decided to try to surprise buttsecks Everth as opposed to just try to tag him. Everth got up and took his helmet off while trying to run away. Mark Reynolds took offense to Everth's luxurious hair and made a grab for his nipples.

THE BENCHES CLEARED.

In the melee, people were throwing punches left and right and left. And people were grabbing other people by the jerseys and the belts and some guys were yanking their belts off to try to CHOKE people with them! But of course then people were grabbing at their beltless pants and suddenly clothes started getting torn the f_ck off.

And of course by this point it was really hot and people were sweating while their clothes were getting torn off and the umpires said, "DROMG. STOP THESE PEOPLE! TURN THE HOSES ON!"

So the groundscrew came out and started hosing down the pile of writhing angry flesh. And everybody got wet. And there was PENIS EVERYWHERE.

And then in the heat, and all the rolling around in the grass and dirt. Everybody totally started making out with each other. And it was military day along with college day so people were chanting "TO-GA! TO-GA!" and "DON'T ASK! DON'T TELL! DON'T ASK! DON'T TELL!" It was soooo gay. But real sexy at the same time.

It was crazy.

Go Padres.

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