As a kid I was a purveyor of fine baseball cards. As a kid I also enjoyed skimming through my cards, grabbing 15 randoms, 9 hitters, 5 starters, and 1 closer, that I could use to make a team. Kind of like fantasy baseball for a 9 year old. I would pick each player's best season and imagine the season they would put together as a team. There was no point to it but it did make me aware of more obscure players than many adults at the time could even name. For example, you wouldn't mess around with my under-the-radar MVP, John Jaha.
Today, I bring you the San Diego Padres 2011 Best Season Evar. A season in which every player has a career year and provides every San Francisco Giant fan with a humbling brown and golden shower....
.249/.308./.418 8HR 43RBI 0SB
Hundles is taking the lead in 2011 and it will most likely define the rest of his career. Is he starter material? Is he the next John Flaherty? I think so! 2011 Hundles will feature a .270 average with 14 HRs and 60 RBI.
.291/.387/.539 29HR 116RBI 0SB
What a relief it is to replace Adrian Gonzalez with white Adrian Gonzalez. Yeah I said it. When Old Grass Hawpper puts on a Padres uniform he will also wear the Ghost of the Chula Vista Chiwawa. If Hawpe comes close to those numbers and doesn't crap all over 1st base, we'll be in for a lot of first place fun.
.283/.357/.417 9HR 62RBI 8SB
Odawg is gonna hump the NL west leaving scrappy doos everywhere. Sorry Ex-stein but it's time for Orlando to give us a .300 average with a career high 11 inches...i mean stolen bases.
.264/.327/.375 11HR 58RBI 17SB
With 17 stolen bases and 11 home runs in 2010 I expect Chase to step his game up and become a 20/20 threat every season. Anything less and I'll use his baseball card as a bike motor.
.320/.389/.490 14HR 66RBI 30SB
These numbers is fo real. The only thing I want to see are the HR's go down and the OBP go over .400, subsequently adding 5 SBs to those 30.
.299/.375/.591 37HR 113RBI 4SB
Haters gonna hate. But not in 2011 when Ludwick finds his stroke matching career highs in every category imaginable. except strikeouts. Almost forgot about those.
.234/.302/.361 8HR 28RBI 9SB
We all keep hearing about Killa Cam's potential and with a little less pressure playing in San Diego and a little more time under his belt, I expect Cam to hit .250/.350/.450 with 20HR, 20SB, and somewhere around 60RBI. Anything less and I'll poop in his pants.
.245/.324/.408 13HR 51RBI 29SB
Will 'Da Thrill' Venable took the league by storm last year when he underachieved raining 29 stolen bases on some unsuspecting bitches. I expect nothing less than 30SB this year with an average over .260. Right field is sacred ground in a Padres uniform, previously patrolled by Tony Gwynn and Granite Hills HOFer, and Padre great, Brian Giles.
14-10 2.92 ERA 184.2 IP 189 SO
Mat had a great season setting Major League records and pissing off Giants fans. He should do it again and, along the way, learn how to wear his hat properly on his off days.
16-6 3.73 ERA 231.2 IP 218 SO
Harangutang has had his share of awful years but don't pretend like you weren't always aware of when he was pitching against us. He has a lot to pitch for this year and is going to bounce back nicely.
14-9 3.75 ERA 201.2 IP 153 SO
Those numbers are pretty good. 200 innings, dude. If he can repeat that, maybe add a win, we'll be in good shape...shaped like a clay something. You know, you know.
6-5 1.85 ERA 82.2 IP 61 SO
I'm no appendectomologist but I think the dude's year was on pace to be spectacular until life punched him really hard in the gut. Sleeper pick for Cy Young.
4-3 4.40 ERA 92 IP 50 SO
I just picked this guy. Some people think he's good. Suck on that for a while.
6-1 1.93 ERA 70 IP 86 SO 47 SV
Look at those numbers, now look at my balls, now back at those numbers. Those were good enough for second best closer.....SECOND BEST? Behind Brian Wilson. Basically, if we won the division, Brian Wilson would have came in second. So, essentially, 2010 was Bell's fault. He needs better numbers. Heath Saves.