You all know that Wiggins doesn't have the best of luck with the ladies. After his last real girlfriend turned out to have a very mild case of Downs Syndrome, Wiggins has been wary of "the ladies."
Tonight, another sad notch in Wiggins' belt of shame has been made. Wiggins farted while on a date. But at least Wiggins was on a date. Unfortunately, the girl he was with was anything but impressed. Wiggins swears, though, it was the DODGERS' fault. Read on--and perhaps get your tissues ready to wipe any tears.
The date was going so well. Wiggins met a girl a few days ago while standing in line at Target. He was buying some batteries and a box of Hot Pockets. Quite a strange combo, yes, though people have purchased stranger, Wiggins is sure. The woman at the front of the line was causing some type of commotion with her credit card. It wasn't "going through" because obviously it was maxed out or something, but the lady didn't understand. Wiggins let out a loud sigh and what should he hear but an angelic voice behind him.
"I hear ya!" whispered a pretty girl with a cute smile. "Maybe we should move to another line." Did she say "We"? As in Wiggins AND her? Wiggins said, "Yeah, Wiggins is tired of waiting." She gave an odd look. Perhaps it was the third person speak. But she smiled and said "Let's go."
The pretty girl was buying nail polish and a copy of Us Magazine. Wiggins thinks Us is trash, but he can forgive her. Wiggins let the girl go ahead of him. "Ladies first." She smile and said "Thanks!" But when her transaction was done, she moved to the side and waited. Yes, SHE WATIED FOR WIGGINS.
It turns out the girl's name is Emily and, lo and behold, she's a Padres fan! Wiggins excitedly told her about how he is famous on gaslampball.com, a site she's NEVER HEARD OF. Maybe that worked to Wiggins' advantage, because when he worked up the courage to ask her to dinner, she said "yes." Plans were made to meet this evening at Trophy's at 7:00 pm.
Wiggins put on a nice shirt and got his mom to drop him off (public transportation would've taken too long). He waited inside the lobby area. "How many?" the hostess asked. "Two," said Wiggins, "but my date hasn't arrived yet." Wiggins checked his watch. 7:05, 7:10, 7:15, 7:20... where was Emily!? Was Wiggins to be stood up?
When all hope seemed lost, who should appear through the door but Emily, looking quite radiant in a sporty yet stylish dress with a slight flower print. "Sorry I'm late, Wiggins" she said. "I know Wiggins must've thought I flaked out. I just got caught up at work." Yes, people, she talked about Wiggins in the third person. It was true love.
All was going well. Wiggins and Emily were enjoying burgers, talking baseball, and even flirting a little. But then it happened. Wiggins and Emily were seated near the bar and what should Wiggins hear but DODGERS TALK. Noooooo. He tried to ignore it. After all, Wiggins was on a date with a pretty girl. But it was too much. Wiggins couldn't hold back.
"Hey Dodgers fans, take this!" yelled Wiggins. He lifted his right butt cheek and let out a rauncy fart. When Wiggins says "raunchy" he means it. It was loud, wet, and stinky. The Dodgers conversationalists gave a look of disbelief that quickly faded into horror... then laughter. They pointed and laughed at Wiggins.
Wiggins was proud of his fart, though. He'd been holding it in the entire duration of dinner, afraid of letting it slide in front of Emily. But surely she'd understand, right? Surely Emily would appreciate Wiggins farting at the Dodgers.
Unfortnately, Wiggins made a mistake. Emily's face was blank. She just stared off tot he distance, her face red. After a moment, she dabbed her mouth with her napkin, stood up, and walked out.
Wiggins tried to follow her but she told him to stay away. "You're a freak!" she exclaimed. Wiggins tried to explain but before he knew it she was zipping away in her Honda Accord. Wiggins quickly memorized her license plate number so he coudl track her down later, but he's forgotten it now.
Wiggins felt like crying, but instead he marched over to a payphone and made a collect call to his home to ask for a ride home from his mom. No answer. He tried the same to her cell phone but it didn't go through. So Wiggins caught the bus home, having to transfer four times.
Wiggins is now depressed. Why did Wiggins have to fart in front of her? Whyd id those jerks have to be talking about the Ddogers!! WiggiANassS HATE DODGERS WIGGINTS GO DIE NOEW GOOODBYE EVERYOEN WIGGIBNS; HATSLK LIFE WANT OT DIE FLUCKNGI DOGHDGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
This FanPost was written by a member of the Gaslamp Ball community and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Gaslamp Ball managers or SB Nation.