So in light of WG's "Let's have fun dammit" thread, I'm going to post something that has nothing to do with the Padres, but at least it covers (loosely) baseball.
This morning, I was perusing SI.com like I normally do, looking for Jon Heyman articles that I can rip to shreds, and then I saw a headline that piqued my interest:
A truck hit a car carrying Marmol, a cousin and a friend in his hometown of Bonao near 2 a.m. The All-Star right-hander had just arrived in the Caribbean nation after the Cubs were swept by the Los Angeles Dodgers in the playoffs.
I love how SI.com journalism rubs salt into the wounds by relevantly mentioning that the Cubs were freshly swept out of the playoffs. I guess it kind of is relevant because it's reason that Marmol is in the Dominican Republic, instead of Chicago, playing baseball.
And then this is my favorite part:
Marmol pitched in 82 games this season, going 2-4 with a 2.68 ERA.
Why it is necessary to bring up random individual statistics about a professional athlete is beyond me, but I do admit that I am delightfully entertained every time I see it happen.
Marmol in a car wreck? Man, that sucks, I heard he was the Cubs' interim closer when Kerry Wood was injured for the 50,000th time in his career, and made the all-star game on a completely retarded technicality of letting the fans vote!
Other prime examples:
Scott Olsen, Florida Marlins, Starting Pitcher - DUI
Had to be followed, tazed and beaten into submission, but it's clearly relevant to mention that in 2006, he went 12-10, with an earned-run average of 4.04 with 166 strikeouts.
Dontrelle Willis, Former Florida Marlins, Current Detroit Tigers, Starting Pitcher - DUI
Got trashed, and publicly urinated, but it's alright, because in 2005, he led the major leagues with 22 wins and finished second in the NL Cy Young Award balloting to Chris Carpenter.
Attacked a cameraman, and broke expensive equipment. But it's all right, because he's got 214 career wins, a lifetime ERA of 4.14, and 1,919 strikeouts. Clearly absolved.
Kobe Bryant - raped a girl, but he averages 30 points a game, and once scored 81 in a single game, the second-most individual point total to Wilt Chamberlain who scored 100 points a hundred years ago while allegedly sleeping with 20,000 women.
Basically, what I am looking for others to hopefully contribute are other examples of this popular cliché. Screw it, make it up if you have to. Let's have fun, dammit.