1. Dodgers - Oh Dodgers, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. One, your smug dirtbag fans. Two, the smell of your ballpark. Three, your drunk violent fans. Four, Los Angeles. Five, beachballs. Six, forcing Jayson Werth on us. Seven, Eric Gagne. Eight, your "rivalry" with the Giants that forces your followers to remind Padres fans that there's no rivalry with the Padres, even though we've owned your team since the 90s and we don't want a rivalry with your consistently bottom half of the standings team anyway. Nine, the way your upper management sabotaged the Padres for the first 16 years of our existence. I could go on and on.

2. Rockies - Matt Holliday is on steroids. The Rockies perform a miracle month only to fail disappointingly in the World Series. Rockies, I hate you for that. If you were going to do all that only to no show in the World Series, the Padres would have appreciated the opportunity.

3. Red Sox - Enough with Boston sports already. It was more fun when you were cursed. Long suffering and faithful is about ten million times better than holier-than-thou and bandwagon.

4. Diamondbacks - Zoners don't know how to drive. Also, the Swingin' Friar may send a latently pervy message, but at least it makes sense. I don't know what that cat thing is doing anywhere near your ballpark other than it's probably feral and looking for scraps.

5. Cubs - This is completely subjective and it may be more the fault of our hometown fans, but I very much dislike the way the Cubs fill Petco when the Cubs visit. Though, as the years pass and we get further and further away from 1984, I find this hatred waning. This may drop off the top 5 next year.

6. Giants - Barry Bonds.

7. Mariners - The Padres natural AL rival and for very good reason. Despicable degenerates with like minded fans who don't understand sarcasm and get upset when Padres fans speak about this rivalry as if it actually exists and feel the need to say, "the rivalry doesn't make sense", as if Padres fans don't already realize that the rivalry doesn't make sense and aren't simply making facetious commentary.

8. Brewers - Give us back Tony the Gwynn Jr, you sons of bitches. We have found the kidnappers and they are in Milwaukee. Tony the Gwynn, do not worry. We will save your son.