Dear Padres Player,
The time is now. It's now time to sack up. You had other opportunities to sack up, but you decided to wet yourself. Sure there were flashes of potential sacking up, but for the most part, it was a lot of wetting yourself. Sometimes, you even lost your bowel control before you could make it to the stall, and those were the times when we were sad for you.
Well, now you've done it. You've gone through all the clean undies. You've ruined pair after pair of boxer shorts and tighty whities. There's nothing left without noticable stains.
You're going commando now and there's not a Mervyn's for miles.
If you decide to crap yourself from here on out, you're ruining actual clothes. Chances are, people will see it down the side of your leg and won't you be embarrassed then.
So, please, Padres Player... For the love of dignity and basic human decency... Regain control of your intestinal functions. Beat the Giants.