With this being a travel day for my Padres and with me still embittered from yesterday's loss, I thought I'd exercise a little keyboard therapy and share some of the things that are really bothering me lately. For the purpose of brevity, I'll confine my comments to the realm of sports. Understand that I'm normally a pleasant, "live and let live" kinda gal. You gotta work pretty hard to annoy me but once that line is crossed, well...
Dorks on cell phones waving to their friends at home. Okay, we can see you in the camera shot. No need to wave. Put your hand down. Put it down. I mean it.
Here's my list (in no particular order). Feel free to chime in if you have a peeve I may have neglected to mention.
Dorks NOT in the camera shot who run over to get into the camera shot. Stop it. Stop it this instant.
Cheerleaders. I know some of you are down with the whole cheerleader thing but let's be real. Is this something we really want our daughters (or heaven forbid, our sons) to aspire to as a career choice? I think not. Cheerleader is just one small, slippery step from "private entertainer". Not good.
Mascots, except the Chicken, and maybe the Friar. I don't need to see gigantic creatures dressed in jerseys roaming my sports venues trying to motivate me into caring about the game and / or players. I'm here, aren't I? Sometimes it's impossible to determine WHAT species it is, much less the sex of the creature. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I don't want to spend any precious game time trying to figure out your shtick. Why aren't you wearing any pants?!?! I'm here to watch the game, not you. If you're not the Chicken, you're not funny. It's that simple.
Young women coming to the game dressed like they just left an audition at Cheetah's Gentlemen's Club. I ask you, is this really necessary? The players know you're there. They know WHY you're there. They know how to find you. Stop embarrassing yourself. I realize some of you have to dress that way because it's your job (see "Cheerleaders" above) but it's time to put some "contain" back in "entertainment", or something like that.
Old women coming to the game dressed like they just left an audition at Cheetah's Gentlemen's Club. Does this need any explanation? Who is letting these women in? Or perhaps the appropriate question is, who is letting these women out?
Anyone over the age of 16 who brings a glove to a baseball game. Jbox already provided some excellent insight into Foul Ball Guy so I'll leave it at that. Don't be that guy. That guy is a jerk.
Anyone over the age of 16 who outmuscles little kids trying to get autographs. Look, I get that you're trying to supplement your modest income by hustling autographed memorabilia on Ebay. I don't begrudge you earning a living. What I don't appreciate is you pushing and shoving your way to the front of the pack at the expense of some cute little four-year-old who just wants Dave Roberts to sign her humongous red plastic Fisher-Price t-ball bat. The next time that happens, I will use said bat to beat you senseless. Consider this your warning.
Anyone over the age of 16 who pays someone under the age of 16 to get autographs for him / her. Yeah, I saw you working your deal with the ten-year-old Khalil Greene fan, greasing the skids with seductive talk of "endless Slurpees" and "rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards". Using kids as your shills is just plain wrong. The poor kid only said yes because he was brought up to respect his elders, no matter how crazy said elders may be.
People who seem to know NOTHING about the game they're watching. First of all, who are you people? Did you flunk out of PE? Have you not seen a game on television? Never picked up a newspaper or book? Please don't ask me "How many scores did the Padres get last quarter?" or "When does the Zamboni come out?" at a basketball game. I will not be responsible for my actions.
People who seem to know NOTHING about the game they're watching, and yet are often seated in the most expensive seats in the venue. There should be a multiple choice test with a short essay section for anyone sitting within 100 rows of the playing field / court / ice. If you can't score at least 75% on the test, your seat will be exchanged with that of a true fan who knows and understands the game and the team and is probably holding a ticket for Section 427, Row 46, Seat K. My remedy is simple: If you fail to score at least 75% on the test once in a particular season, a mandatory 30-day suspension from the venue. Second failure to achieve the minimum score within the season is a 90-day ban. Fail to make the cut a third time? Lifetime ban, clown. We simply can't have the ignorant upsetting the delicate and fragile balance that is the mojo.
Obnoxious old fat guy who won't shut up. I know your old lady doesn't understand you. I know your kids and your dog hate you. I know that you're the last guy picked for the company softball team. I also know you've had at least 26 beers tonight and a BAC somewhere near 0.3. Know this Mr. F-Bomb: nobody wants to hear your crap. Maybe people aren't saying anything to your face about your poor behavior but trust me, you are an object lesson during the drive home ("Did you see how Mommy punched that man in the face? That's called responsible citizenship"). And for goodness sake, keep your shirt on already. I don't need my son asking me why the team has a Yeti for a mascot.
Obnoxious young guy who won't shut up. I know you think your athletic talent far exceeds any that may be present on the field / court / ice. I know airheaded bimbos are always telling you how great your six pack abs are. I know you can't walk past a reflective surface without flexing. I know you're the first guy picked for your company softball team. I also know that in less than 10 years, you will be Obnoxious Fat Guy (see above).
Nevin. Freakin' Nevin.
This FanPost was written by a member of the Gaslamp Ball community and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Gaslamp Ball managers or SB Nation.